


those nights

by easydays



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, M/M, a little bit of angst? i guess?, basically it's gay, fluff at some point lmao, maybe not a little bit. idk yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25751764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easydays/pseuds/easydays
Summary: dan is absolutely done with being single. he goes on a speed-dating event. chaos ensues.
Relationships: Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith
Comments: 69
Kudos: 51





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Me again!
> 
> I know I'm supposed to be working on the sequel to my other fic (and I am, I swear lol) but I was watching something on the telly this morning and was like 'omg, I definitely need to rewrite this and turn it into a fic'. I want it to be a series because I think there's a lot of potential to the prompt and idk I'm in the mood for a multiple-chapter fic. I'm already working on the next chapter, so it should be coming soon (hopefully actual soon, not Dan soon).
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you're feeling like it I'd massively appreciate it if you could let me know what you thought! X

There was something mildly embarrassing about being a fully grown man and still living in a houseshare, Dan thought. Maybe embarrassing wasn’t the right word for it - after all, he had some very valid reasons for being in his mid-twenties and still living with a few of his mates. London was unbelievably expensive, even when you lived so far away from the touristy heart of the city that your area wasn’t covered by the extensive Tube lines, and as it turned out, paying rent by yourself when you were trying to make a name of your own in the music industry was physically impossible, no matter how many shitty side jobs you worked at a time. Being a ‘people person’ - he hated this expression because, weren’t essentially all human beings made to depend on one another ? -, Dan reckoned it would also get lonely living on his own in such a massive city, regardless of how he was born and raised there.

Still, though. He loved his mates, he really did. And he loved the routine they now shared, after a couple years of living together. But something about growing up and seeing so many of his other friends settle down, find a significant other and move in with them made him feel more eager than he’d ever really been about experiencing _this_ part of life. All while fully knowing they were standards society had imposed upon him, and as much as he accepted the fact that he could probably live a perfectly happy and healthy life without ever moving in with someone, getting married and having kids. It wasn’t really about settling down - it was more about craving to find someone to be there at dawn, offering you something beyond the limit of affection a friend could show you.

He'd never really felt that way before. And maybe there was some kind of correlation to be drawn between Ian, one of his housemates, leaving the houseshare to move in with his girlfriend, and this spike in the need to find his own significant other. He wasn’t denying it. But it really didn’t solve the matter at hand.

“Gross. Get a room,” Kyle, another one of Dan’s housemates, mumbled as he entered the kitchen, being met first-hand with the image of Ian and his girlfriend kissing in-between two spoonfuls of cereals.

Losing his train of thought, Dan eyed him as he reached out an arm right between Ian and the girl he was holding in his arms, grabbing the cereal box and the milk and ignoring the couple’s complaints.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what we’re doing. You know, by moving out,” Ian teased, and Kyle just rolled his eyes and sat on the chair facing Dan.

Dan shook his head fondly, and kicked Kyle’s shin underneath the table, leaning in a little over the cup of coffee he’d been sipping out of for the past ten minutes.

“Cut them some slack. It’s sort of sweet, don’t you think?” he said, watching bemusedly as Kyle tried to suppress a smile.

“If you think seeing two of our friends sucking each other’s faces off first thing in the morning is ‘sorta sweet’, you’ve reached a new low, mate. If I ever have to watch you slip the tongue to some girl before 10, I will literally end you,” Kyle warned, with no heat whatsoever.

And Dan tried really, really hard not to blush. He really did. But what else was there to do when someone was assuming that it was a _girl_ you wanted to slip the tongue to? Even worse, what else was there to do when the person implying that was _just_ the one you’d been wanting to kiss senseless for months on end? Dan found the only thing he could do was laugh awkwardly, and Kyle seemed content enough with it, since he shot Dan a smile and then busied himself with the matching game at the back of the cereal box.

Dan was well aware of how ridiculous his crush was. Not only did Kyle have a girlfriend, but he was also his housemate _and_ they were in a band together, for crying out loud. Admittedly, the band and their music wasn’t anything they could live off yet and they were mostly doing it for fun, and yes, from what Dan understood, Kyle and his girlfriend were in a pretty open relationship, but even then, his feelings felt dangerous. Kyle was his friend, and as far as the older man was concerned, had never shown any interest in dating guys. And although he seemed pretty open-minded, you could never really know, with those things. Dan was speaking from experience on this one.

Surprisingly enough - or not -, knowing all these things didn’t make his feelings go away. If anything, they’d grown much stronger over the last few months, and the fact that they’d been spending so much time glued together working on music wasn’t doing his poor heart any favours. Dan was in over his head, and he reckoned it also explained his craving for human affection - genuine affection. He’d had his fair share of one-night stands in uni, and he wasn’t cut out for it. The one and only rule of one-night stands was to not get attached. Dan was a generally clingy guy. Ergo, casual dating just wasn’t for him.

“Oh my god, Dan! Look what I just found in yesterday’s mail!” Kate exclaimed, bursting through the door and throwing a flyer at him.

Dan looked at it, and couldn’t help but blush for the second time in under five minutes when Kyle managed to wrestle it from his hands so he could see what was causing his friend to die out of embarrassment.

“We _have_ to go. So you’ll stop moping around about...”

Dan started moving his hands around frenetically to make her stop, which apparently caught Kyle’s attention, and Kate cut herself off just in time as Kyle gave them a puzzled look.

“About being single,” Kate finished, giving Dan an apologetic shrug.

Kyle snorted at that. “A speed-dating party? _So_ not Dan’s thing. Can you imagine him having to pick some girl up in under ten minutes? No offence, dude, but you’d say something cynical and scare her off,” he said, apparently not having read through the whole thing since he didn’t seem to have noticed the part of the flyer indicating that it was a queer event.

And he was right. Absolutely, inherently and completely right. Dan was awful at making small talk, and was incapable of not being self-deprecating. Not exactly the best technique to make some stranger fall in love with you under ten minutes. His friends were used to it, and he guessed it was part of his charm for them, but there was only so much self-doubt and self-hatred most people could bear, and Dan’s standards on that matter were off the charts.

He hated that Kyle knew him that well, though. And he hated that Kyle was basically turning Kate down for him. Which in turn, reminded him of how he hated that Kyle was straight, had a girlfriend, and didn’t return his feelings. But most of all, he hated that none of the aforementioned was enough for him to move on. He snatched the paper back from his friend’s hold, and tipped his chin up. Out of spite it was going to be, then.

“Actually, that’s a great idea, Kate. We should go,” he agreed, and Kyle’s shocked expression only spurred him on. “What do I have to lose, eh? I’m sure it’ll be fun.”

Kate herself seemed surprised and looked at him with confusion for a bit, before regaining her composure and clapping excitedly.

“Amazing! Be ready for 8pm and don’t be late! Gotta head to work, see you fuckers tonight!”

Ignoring the stinging feeling in his gut, Dan forced a smile before she exited the room, and then shifted his gaze to Kyle, hoping against hope to see any kind of emotion on his face. His expression was unreadable, as it often was, and he only blinked at Dan.

“Right. Got... stuff to do. See you at the studio this afternoon, Dan?”

The older man nodded, and Kyle got up and followed after Kate, leaving Dan to mend the pieces of his broken heart, not caring - albeit not really knowing either - in the slightest that he’d been the one to stomp on it for the hundredth time in the first place.


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was going to write the dates in this chapter, but then I figured it'd make more sense to end it where I ended it. I'm already working on the next chapter, it should be there either later tonight or tomorrow!
> 
> As always, I'd love to hear what you guys thought, and if you've got any idea where this is going (I assure you, you don't. Unless you're a mind-reader)
> 
> Thanks for reading! X

Habits were called habits for a reason. And one of Dan’s habits was to never, under any circumstances, take Kate up on the offer to go on dates with her - not _with her_ ‘with her’, but more like, letting her set him up on a date was generally a bad idea. Kate and him were childhood friends, and he loved the girl to death. But she was very much into the dating scene, to the point Dan thought she was ill when she didn’t have at least two dates planned a week. She loved meeting new people, she loved flirting, she loved the whole process of going on dates, from getting ready and dressing up to - usually, and inevitably - hooking up. And Dan hated all of it, which she couldn’t understand.

It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy getting to know new people. He did. It was just that in a very British fashion, he was awkward, especially around people he didn’t know, and as Kate always said, being confident - or faking it - was the key to a successful date. Dan might have been a pessimist, but he could also be realistic, and he knew he was good at a few things. Songwriting was one of them. Yet it didn’t keep him from feeling like a massive fraud every time someone complimented him on it. And if he couldn’t be confident in something he objectively _knew_ he was good at, how was he supposed to even fake knowing what he was doing when he definitely didn’t?

Flirting and dressing up weren’t really his area of expertise either. The event Kate was dragging him to didn’t actually have a dress code, but somehow, that made it worse. He knew he wasn’t supposed to dress too fancy, but on the other hand, if he showed up in his wolf shirt, he was fairly positive his friend would kill him. He needed to find something that said, ‘look, I’m laid-back and I definitely didn’t massively overthink this outfit, but I still care and put some effort into it’. Needless to say, he was failing big-time. The state his bedroom was currently in was a good reflection of that.

“Oh, my. What happened here? Pretty sure this all qualifies as a natural disaster,” Kyle joked as he cautiously pushed the door open, stepping over the piles of clothes littering the floor and dropping down on Dan’s bed. “Hey, that’s mine. I’ve been looking for this jumper for weeks,” he added, stretching his arm out to pick a pink jumper up.

“Must have got mixed up in the laundry,” Dan groaned, head buried in his wardrobe. “Look, I don’t have time for whatever this is, Kyle. What do you want? I need to get ready and I have no idea what I’m meant to be wearing. Everyone’s genuinely going to laugh at me if I wear any of my clothes, so it’s just choosing the least worse, really, and I’m gonna have a mental breakdown if I can’t figure it out in the next five minutes.”

If there was something - or rather, someone - he was _not_ in the mood to be dealing with at this exact moment in time, it was Kyle. And if there was something he definitely didn’t want to be thinking about right now, it was how he _had_ noticed he’d accidentally taken Kyle’s jumper with his own freshly cleaned clothes a few weeks ago, and how he might have _forgotten_ to give it back, and how that might, maybe, potentially, have led to him wearing it to sleep once.

Shame clutched at Dan’s stomach as he remembered this moment of weakness, and he inadvertently dropped all the shirts he was balancing on one hand, adding to the absolute chaos of his room. Annoyed at himself and feeling jittery under Kyle’s gaze burning holes in the back of his head, Dan swore under his breath as he kneeled down and tried to fold his clothes back up properly.

Kyle must have noticed the emotional state his friend appeared to be in, because he heaved himself up and crouched down next to him to offer his help.

“Hey, Dan. It’s gonna be fine, you know? I’m sure all the girls will fall in love with you instantly regardless of what you’re wearing,” Kyle said softly, smiling as he handed him a shirt. And honestly, Dan was this close to losing it. If Kyle implied he was into women once more… “But if it matters to you that much, you can just borrow one of my collars, you know. Or like, anything you want.”

Which, fucking great Kyle, thank you. Nothing better than showing up on a gay date - or several dates, in Dan’s case - in your straight crush’s clothes. Crush who, by the way, was the exact reason why Dan was in this position in the first place. But Dan couldn’t possibly blame Kyle for being completely oblivious, even though he was starting to actually wonder whether his friend was blind. Or a homophobe. If Ian and Kate had figured out Dan’s feelings from afar, he couldn’t comprehend how Kyle could be so unaware of what was going on, being the one at the receiving end of it.

“Thanks. It’s okay. I’ll just… wear this,” he sighed, grabbing a random shirt from a pile and forcing a smile, just to put an end to the conversation.

Kyle seemed disappointed, but Dan told himself he was just imagining it. Why his friend would be gutted about not having Dan borrow one of his shirts was beyond him, and one of the few perks of living inside Dan’s head was that he could blame everything he didn’t want to spend time overthinking on his stupid brain trying to turn real life into a fantasy yet again. He watched as Kyle looked around the room, before going and picking a blue jumper he then handed Dan.

“Blue looks good on you. It brings out the colour of your eyes.”

Dan could have laughed, if he hadn’t been so focused on trying not to A) blush, B) choke Kyle to death. The younger man joked around a lot, and it was easy to deflect his remarks when Dan knew he was only teasing him. He didn’t know how to handle genuine compliments from him, and so he just stood there, jumper in hand, doing his very best to swallow around the lump in his throat. It was somewhat funny, how those were the times when it hurt the most. Most of the time, Dan could deal with Kyle and his girlfriend lounging in the living-room together. He could ignore all the ugly feelings walking in on them kissing in one of the shared areas or noticing the marks on Kyle’s neck stirred up. In a way, they were a good reminder Kyle could never like him back, not in the way Dan wanted him to. It was all the ‘almost’s, everything Dan wanted so badly to consider as flirting that stung the most. He knew, realistically, that Kyle didn’t mean anything ambiguous by any of it. But sometimes, if Dan closed his eyes hard enough, he could let himself float to another universe, one in which all these little things were signals Kyle was sending him, waiting for him to pick up on them.

“Anyway, um… I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed… I don’t know…Distant? In the studio earlier. You didn’t even react when I called Twin Peaks ‘Twin Pokes’. That’s a red flag,” Kyle teased, lightly nudging Dan in the shoulder.

Dan forced another smile. “Yeah, no, I’m fine. Just… Anxious about going on dates again. I haven’t really done it since… Well, I haven’t really done that a lot before, full stop, I guess,” he said, and technically, he wasn’t lying. He _was_ anxious about all of this, but not because he was hoping to find someone to date. He was anxious because he didn’t want to have to do this.

He almost said as much. He almost told Kyle he didn’t want to go, and he was ready to beg him to help find an excuse. But then Kyle’s phone vibrated on the bed, and Kyle said Hannah was waiting for him and that they were going on a date too, and Dan was left with no other option than to press his lips in a thin line and nod his head.

“Wait for me when you come home?” Kyle asked, genuine interest etched all over his features. “I wanna know all about your dates.”

The older man nodded again, and pretended to be smoothing the wrinkles on his jumper so he wouldn’t have to watch Kyle leave his room. But he stopped in the doorway, and from the corner of his eye, Dan saw him turn so he could face him.

“Hey, Dan? If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re amazing. Anyone who can’t see that clearly doesn’t deserve you,” Kyle uttered softly, and Dan could feel him trying to catch his eye, although he resolutely kept his head down.

You _can’t see it_ , Dan wanted to scream. He knew he was being unfair, though. Here again, Kyle wasn’t to blame. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t love Dan back, and it wasn’t his fault he was so hard to move on from. He heard the door shut behind his friend, and sighed heavily. Maybe going on these dates was a good thing, after all.


	3. chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, who is she!
> 
> Sorry this one is a bit more boring but it's kinda necessary so the rest of the story makes sense! Hoping to post the next chapter later today, but it might have to wait until tomorrow - I'm working and trying to write whenever I get the chance so, yeah.
> 
> Hope everyone's having a nice Sunday!

Dan tried really hard to be on time. He always did. But for some reason, as it generally did, time seemed to slip right through his fingers, and the extra five minutes he thought he had before Kate would come barging into his room to drag him out of there - regardless of whether he was fully dressed or had a sock and a shoe missing - seemed to shrink into a millisecond, and he ended up getting shouted at by his friend as she all but ran to the nearest Tube station. True to himself, Dan followed as fast as he could, apologising profusely.

The event was being held in the opposite side of the city, which was why they’d had to leave at eight, an hour before it was actually due to start. Dan’s anxiety was acting up, and the Tube journey passed in a blur as he disassociated and tried to remember when he’d last been on a date. He genuinely didn’t remember having ever been taken on a proper date - or taking anyone on one, for that matter. To be fair, he’d never actually been in a relationship before - up until sixth form, he’d been too scared to so much as _think_ about his sexuality, and as accepting as his parents were, moving up North for university had been the only way for him to figure everything out. ‘Figuring it out’, in his case, had mostly meant trying things out, which had in turn meant meaningless fucks he’d been too drunk to actually remember. Not anything to write home about, and now here he was, twenty six years of age, having never been in a long-lasting relationship.

So in many ways, this was a first for him. He wasn’t sure it counted as his first ever date if he was going to be having several ones in a row and would get less than ten minutes with each _suitor_ , but it was still more romantic than getting it on at some house party he hadn’t even been invited to.

The first half of the evening was an absolute nightmare. Kate and him got there way after everyone else - due to his lateness, yes, but mostly to his friend’s miscalculations of the time it would take them to get there -, and had to negotiate with the organisers so they would let them in. At this point, Dan was already more than ready to give up, and when he suggested they just went for drinks instead, Kate argued that they hadn’t made it all the way from South London to North London to just go for a pint in a shitty pub. Her reasoning made sense, and so Dan watched her beg to be let in without protesting, and followed her inside when she managed to get what she wanted. They headed straight for the bar, and after a couple of shots, Dan felt brave enough to leave Kate’s side and let her go on her share of dates.

He needed more drinks before he could muster the courage to walk up to the first guy he was supposed to be meeting, though. And as a consequence, by the time he’d convinced himself enough was enough and he deserved to move on from Kyle, Dan was not only incredibly tipsy, but most of the men he’d been paired with had also left. He was starting to think it was probably for the best and that Kyle had been right, this wasn’t his cup of tea, it wasn't how he wanted to do things, when one of the organisers pointed in the general direction of a table, and Dan noticed the guy sat at it. Adrenaline rushed through his veins for a second, but he ignored it, deciding he needed something to tell Kate when she’d ask questions anyway.

Flexing his fingers and willing his anxiety to tamp down with the movement, he walked the small distance separating him from the table and stood there awkwardly, waiting for the guy to acknowledge his presence. When he finally looked up, he smiled at him, and Dan felt some of the nervousness leave his body. Now that he could concentrate on something other than his heart potentially beating out of his chest, he could see the other man was really, _really_ handsome. Blond, curly hair, green eyes, messy eyebrows, clean-shaven, and Dan wasn’t a hundred percent sure because he was sitting, but he was almost certain he was a bit shorter than him. Not really his type if you asked him, but then again, annoyingly enough, it turned out his type was _Kyle_ , and there was only one of him. And this unique version of him didn’t want Dan.

“Hi. I’m, uh… I’m Dan,” he said, mentally punching himself in the face for not being able to form such a simple sentence coherently.

“Were you going to give me a fake name?” the guy asked in return in a strong Australian accent, waving his hand in the chair’s direction to indicate Dan could sit there.

Dan didn’t need a mirror to know his cheeks had turned a deep shade of pink. “What? Oh, no, I was just…”

A hand on his arm stopped him from further embarrassment, and the guy laughed as he shook his head. “Sorry. I was just kidding. Coping mechanism. I probably shouldn’t do sarcasm with strangers. I’m Oliver, nice to meet you,” he chuckled, looking right into Dan’s eyes.

Dan dismissed his apology with a grimace, and averted his gaze as he searched for something to get the conversation going, not knowing how to hold Oliver’s eye contact. “You from Australia?”

“Yeah, is it really that obvious?”

“I mean, you’re tanned. That would involve seeing the sun more than three times a year and it doesn’t happen often around here,” Dan joked, although he knew that was A) awfully cliché and B) a generalisation - of course, not all British people had pale skin, and even for the one who did, they didn't all have skin as pale as his. “That, and the accent,” he specified, which made Oliver laugh.

“Fair enough. You look like you’d combust instantly if you stood under the Australian sun for more than ten minutes, so I assume you’re from here. No offence,” he said with another smile, and it was Dan’s turn to laugh. The bundle of nerves inside his stomach untangled immediately. “That, and the posh accent, obviously.”

“None taken, you’re absolutely right. Londoner, born and bred. My parents are both South African, though. And I moved to Leeds for uni. Both of which apparently didn’t contribute to making me sound any less posh. I tried, I really did,” Dan said, faking despair.

From then on, Dan decided the rest of the night went smoothly. He told Oliver about what he'd studied at uni, how he used to want to be a film critic, so he could combine his love for films with his other passion, a.k.a writing. Which led to him reluctantly admitting he’d changed his mind as he’d started getting more and more into songwriting, and he now knew that was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He didn’t really tell Oliver he was in a band - he hated when he told people he sang, because they inevitably asked him to sing something. But he did learn Oliver worked for a record company as an assistant manager, and was a bit older than him. At first, he thought of asking for Oliver’s number so he could maybe contact him and suggest he listen to some of their songs, one day, when they were ready to sign a contract - if they ever were. But then as the evening went on and Dan found it easier and easier to share more personal stories with him, and after Oliver had hopped on the Tube all the way back to Dan’s place with him so he wouldn’t have to be on his own - of course, Kate had taken off with some girl without even telling Dan. Of course -, it was out of genuine interest for the man that Dan snatched his phone out of his pocket to note the number down. 

All in all, he’d spent the better part of the evening laughing so hard he was sure he’d wake up with sore muscles the next day, and shockingly, hadn’t spared Kyle a single thought since he and the other man got to talking. So much so that when Oliver hugged him on his porch, Dan didn’t step back. He hugged him back, and noted that he was indeed a few inches shorter than Dan was. And when Dan went to move away in order to thank the man for the evening they’d spent together and he felt him hold on and lean in a little, Dan didn’t say anything either, although he knew what would happen before it even did. It wasn’t really surprising, then, when Oliver’s lips found his, and to his own surprise, the younger man found himself returning the soft kiss.

“Sorry. Probably should have asked,” Oliver whispered as he opened his eyes to look into Dan’s again.

“No, it’s okay. More than okay, actually,” Dan said with a smile, and it really was. It wasn’t any of the butterfly-in-the-stomach-inducing type of kiss, but it felt nice. Oliver’s lips were soft, they’d had a good time, and Dan found he didn’t mind kissing him some more.

Which he ended up doing. It was weird to kiss someone with no intention of the kiss leading to something else, but somehow, it was much more enjoyable when you knew the other person’s name and actually liked them. It was the first time Dan got kissed with no urgency to get it over with, and for a second, he forgot about the rest of the world, and allowed himself to ascend to another galaxy, one in which he fell in love with Oliver, and it didn’t hurt being Kyle’s friend anymore. _I can do this_ , Dan thought suddenly. He could move on from Kyle.

“Dan?” a familiar voice broke through this little dream of his, making him instantly let go of Oliver’s waist. Because, of course. Of course, life wouldn’t let him get away so easily. Of course, Kyle would choose this exact moment to push the front door open, and of fucking course, that was how he was going to find out Dan was into guys.


	4. chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to let everyone know this chapter (kinda?) deals with homophobia and panic attacks, so trigger warning for that.
> 
> Hope you guys still like this chapter, despite it being reaaally sad! Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Also just wanted to put it out there that I have a very busy week ahead of me and don’t know whether I’ll have time to write anything before this weekend so yeah, wishing you lot a good week! X

“Kyle, I…” Dan began, and then cut himself off, because he had no idea what he was supposed to say. He felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and waited anxiously for Kyle to react and say something, anything, just so he could decide on what to do.

Much like Dan, though, Kyle seemed at a loss, and so they just stood there, staring at each other, as if holding eye contact meant time had frozen and they didn’t have to deal with the situation at hand. Dan felt Oliver shift his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably, and only then did it occur to him that he was still there.

“Uh, hi. I’m Oliver?” he tried, and very slowly, as if in slow-motion, Kyle turned his head in Oliver’s direction.

“That’s… A man?” he said, questioningly, flicking his eyes from Oliver to Dan again.

“Yeah, well, obviously,” Oliver scoffed and looked at Dan, probably thinking he would laugh too, but Dan was in no mood to laugh at all. He was still too scared to move, and after another moment of looking at Dan in utter confusion, Kyle shook his head slowly, turned away and disappeared back into the house.

“Kyle, wait!” Dan all but whimpered, starting forward so he could chase after him. Oliver’s hand on his wrist stopped him dead in his tracks, and Dan shook his hand violently, making the other man let go of him.

“Whoa there!” Oliver said with a frown, and Dan might have felt bad if he hadn’t been too busy being terrified he’d just wrecked his and Kyle’s relationship. “Who was that? I really don’t do taken men, and I’m not a homewrecker either. I would have appreciated you mentioning you were already in a relationship.”

“What?” Dan shook his head and massaged his temples as a headache threatened to cut his skull open. “No, it’s not like that. Kyle’s my housemate. I never really got to tell him I’m… you know. Look, I have to go, I’m sorry. I’ll text you.”

And with that, Dan followed in Kyle’s tracks, missing a few steps as he speeded up the stairs and called after his friend. The door to Kyle’s room was locked, and Dan felt his heart clench. Neither of them ever locked their door, because they had a silent agreement that they could come in the other’s room at any given moment without bothering to even think about knocking. Dan got annoyed when anyone else did it, but it was different when it was Kyle. It had always been that way, even before he’d started developing romantic feelings for him. They’d established this rule after a few months of living together, mainly because Dan always had his headphones on when he was working on new music and wouldn’t hear when people knocked at his door. Kyle liked sitting on Dan’s bed next to him while playing video games, and it turned out Dan liked having Kyle around when he was writing so he could run things by him and get his input. As days, then months and years had gone by, they’d started doing it even when Dan wasn’t composing and Kyle wasn’t playing video games, and now they just hung out in the other’s room as an extension of their own whenever they felt like it, after work as they complained about their day, or in the mornings when Dan couldn’t sleep and Kyle was getting ready for an early shift.

For Kyle to have locked himself in his bedroom was more than a violent rejection to Dan. If his friend didn’t even think of locking the door when he was in there with his girlfriend to the point where Dan had walked in on them several times in the past, it meant he was genuinely upset. Or angry. Or disgusted. Maybe all three at once. The thought made Dan sick to his stomach. There was a reason why he’d never found the strength to tell Kyle about his sexuality. This. This was the exact reason. He couldn’t lose him. Pining over him, hurting every time Kyle so much as met his eyes, feeling like Kyle’s girlfriend was ripping his heart out of his ribcage when she entered the kitchen in the morning wearing one of Kyle’s shirts - it was all only worth it if he got to keep Kyle close in the end. It was only worth it if he remained the one Kyle called when he went to visit his family and had a fight with one of his siblings, if he was the one Kyle asked for when he broke his arm in the middle of the night doing God only knew what and needed someone to go with him to the A&E, even though his girlfriend was right there.

Because in the end, what scared Dan the most was how dependent on Kyle he’d become, and he had no idea how he would cope if the younger man decided he didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. If he could even cope at all, that was.

Feeling panic rise through him at the thought, Dan thumped on Kyle’s door, not caring one bit if he was waking Ian and his girlfriend. Silence was the only response he got, and he tried knocking again, hating how his voice broke when he called Kyle’s name. He heard movement on the other side of the door, and realised Kyle was leaning against it.

“Kyle, let me in, please. I just want to explain, _please_ ,” he begged, willing the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes to stay exactly where they were.

He was met with another dreadful beat of silence, and he could have sworn the entire house was vibrating under the loud hammering of his heart. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be losing Kyle, not after literal years of cautiously choosing his words to make sure he wouldn’t have to address his sexuality. He couldn’t lose another friend over this.

“We’re fine, Dan, just... Go to sleep. I have an early shift tomorrow,” Kyle mumbled after a while, but his voice held none of its usual warmth, and Dan knew he was lying.

He was lying, because he’d told Dan just before he left for his date that he wanted to jam around the next morning so they could finish the song they’d been working on for the past few weeks. And on top of that, Dan was more than familiar with his schedule - he asked each member of the band to send their schedule over every week, so they could work out when to meet up for rehearsals. Kyle was lying so he’d get a good reason to avoid Dan, and it was too familiar. For a second, Dan felt like he was drowning, and the most terrifying part of it all was that he had no lifeline to hold onto.

Realising he couldn’t force himself on Kyle and had to give him some space - and not fancying breaking down in the hallway and risking having Ian find him like this -, Dan threw one last desperate look in the door’s direction before clumping back to his own room. Closing the door behind himself appeared to unlock something in him, and he felt his hands start shaking uncontrollably as he struggled to push some air into his lungs. His chest was so tight Dan started to question whether he was actually dying, and he helplessly plonked down onto his bed, hugging his knees and leaning his forehead against them.

He didn’t remember how to deal with panic attacks on his own. Kyle was the only reason he’d stayed somewhat sane throughout the last years, and whenever Dan had lost it, he’d always been the one to shake him back to reality. Dan did his very best not to think back to the night they met, right after they’d both moved back to London and Dan was living at his mum and dad’s again, but he was spiralling, and Kyle’s voice cutting through the voices that had been screaming in his head at the time was all he could focus on now.

_”Hey, mate, you alright?” Kyle had asked as he sat next to him on the front steps._

_And very clearly, Dan hadn’t been. The only reason why Kyle was checking on him had been because he’d pushed past him to get out of the house the party was taking place in, and spilled his glass on the front of his shirt. He’d heard Kyle - who’d been a stranger at the time - calling after him with indignation, but he’d had to choose between being rude and running for - possibly - his life, so he hadn’t really bothered to turn around and apologise. Kyle had followed him outside, still shouting after him, but Dan hadn’t been able to make sense of his words as he’d felt the world around him slowly fade away and his ears had started ringing, and suddenly, it had become obvious he wouldn’t make it one step further. Kyle had helped him through his panic attack, then, even though Dan had just ruined his shirt. He’d taken his number afterwards, as Kate rushed to them and announced she was taking Dan home, so he could make sure the older man was feeling better._

They obviously had never stopped talking after that, but Kyle, very politely, had never asked what had caused Dan to find himself in such a state. Therefore, Dan had never had to tell him he’d just completely misread an entire relationship, which had led to him leaning in to kiss a guy who would probably never admit he was gay. He’d never had to tell Kyle how the guy had grabbed him by the throat and how Dan had just had to listen to him go on and on about what a disgusting piece of shit he was when Kyle has found him on the steps.

It’d never felt like the right time to tell Kyle about this evening as time went on, and now Dan was glad he hadn’t been brave enough to let him know how he felt about him every time he’d thought about opening up. It hurt enough having Kyle reject him because of his sexuality - he wasn’t sure he would have survived having to read the disgust in his eyes when Dan told him about his feelings. He was doomed to lose his best friend either way, but he couldn’t stand to think about how telling Kyle he was in love with him would mean staining all their memories together for the younger man, as he would inevitably start wondering which hints at Dan’s feelings he’d been missing. It was Dan’s burden to bear, not Kyle’s.


	5. chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I really suck at time management.
> 
> This chapter's a bit longer, hope it makes up for the wait! 
> 
> As always, comments are highly appreciated. See you soon! X

As it turned out, finding sleep when you knew your best friend was upset with you was just _not_ a thing, and once he’d finally managed to get his breathing to even out, Dan decided he’d just go and sit downstairs. Kyle would have to come out of his room at some point and he could catch him then, try to explain. He was used to having trouble sleeping, as an insomniac, but he couldn’t stand sitting in the dark in silence in the living-room, and ended up pulling a DVD out of its box so he could distract his racing brain.

But as it also turned out, his panic attack from earlier had drained the remaining energy out of him, and after an hour of desperately trying to stay awake, he inevitably fell asleep on the sofa, without even realising. When he woke, it was to a loud bang, and he had to blink a couple times before his eyes were able to take in the light that was filtering through the half-closed curtains. It only took him a few seconds to understand the bang had come from the door, and he was proven right when he saw Kate walk in, a frown on her face.

“What’s gotten into him?” she asked, pointing to the door behind her back with her thumb.

“Who?” Dan’s voice was hoarse with exhaustion, and he tried to rub at his neck to get rid of the stiffness there - a result of the position he’d slept in.

“Kyle? He was in such a hurry to leave that he almost knocked me over when he opened the door. And wasn’t today supposed to be his day off as well? What’s he doing up so early?” She paused, surveyed the room, and then gave Dan a suspicious look. “Did you... sleep here?”

Dan heaved a sigh and gestured towards the kitchen to indicate they should migrate there. He turned the kettle on for Kate as she did the same with the coffee machine for him, and they both sat at the table a few minutes later, their respective mugs in hand. Dan readjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose, a nervous habit he’d developed through the years, and finally looked directly at Kate.

“I, um... I kinda hit it off with someone last night? And he travelled all the way back home with me since you’d, you know, abandoned me,” he began, and ignored his friend rolling his eyes at him. “We hugged when he was about to leave, and then one thing led to another and he kissed me.”

The look Kate gave him reminded him of the one his mum gave him back in the day, when she still thought he was straight and he told her he was spending the day with a girl, alone. His friend looked proud, and it was Dan’s turn to roll his eyes.

“I’m so happy for you! Are you gonna see him again?”

Dan paused for a second at that. Was he? He hadn’t had time to really think about it ever since he got home the previous night. Oliver was nice, funny, and pretty cute too, and he probably shouldn’t even have questioned it. They also had a lot in common, and he’d seemed into Dan, which was a quality a lot of guys didn’t have to offer. Assuming he was still into him after Dan had caused a scene and basically thrown him out, Dan would probably want to see him again.

“I mean, I want to. I’m not sure he does, though. Kyle opened the door and caught us kissing. The look on his face… I don’t know, Kate. He ran away, so obviously I went after him and sort of… dismissed Oliver like that. I’m fairly certain he thinks I cheated on Kyle with him. I tried to explain, but I was so scared Kyle would hate me that I just basically asked him to leave me alone. I think I ruined the very few chances I had with him. And I also think Kyle hates me. It’s a whole mess, really,” Dan whined, taking his head between his hands.

“Oh, Dan,” he heard Kate whisper, before she reached out to take his hands in hers. “So that’s why Kyle was so eager to leave this morning, then? You two didn’t talk it out?”

“I went after him yesterday, but he’d already locked himself in his room. He wouldn’t let me explain. I tried waiting for him to come ‘round and talk to me, but he very obviously isn’t going to do that. I don’t know what to do, Kate. I can’t force him to listen to me. I don’t want to. If he’s got a problem with me being gay, then he’s just not the person I thought he was. But also… I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I just… can’t,” Dan continued, and his eyes were burning again - from the lack of sleep or something else, he didn’t want to know.

One of the many perks that came with having been friends with Kate for ages was that she knew him better than he knew himself. He’d never had to actually come out to Kate - she’d just somehow figured it out, and they’d never had to have a proper talk about it. She’d asked Dan if he had any romantic feelings for Kyle before he even realised he did. And in this case again, Dan didn’t doubt she knew exactly what he meant when he said he couldn’t lose Kyle. She’d stuck with Dan through thick and thin, and he knew she’d noticed how much better he’d been doing ever since he’d met Kyle. And as someone who felt awkward having to voice his feelings, Dan was glad he never had to with Kate.

“Now, wait. You think Kyle is upset because you’re into dudes?” Kate waited for Dan to nod in confirmation, and then let out a single, high-pitched laugh. “Dan, love, that’s well ridiculous. You really don’t have any idea what this is about?”

Dan shook his head, because he genuinely didn’t. If he did, he probably wouldn’t have spent the better half of his night struggling to supply his lungs in oxygen.

“Look, give Kyle some time. And then confront him about it. It’s not my place to tell you, but you both have a lot of explaining to do,” she said before leaning over the table to kiss Dan’s cheek and leaving him to his own devices, more confused and lost than he’d ever been.

****

Every time Dan was in the studio working over some flimsy files with Mark on some even flimsier equipment, he couldn’t help but think _this_ was it. _This_ was what he wanted to do with his life. As much as he was struggling with the live aspect of things and having to be the centre of attention, he loved writing and producing. Except this time, Dan couldn’t wait to get home. The studio had been his safe place ever since they’d started rehearsing and recording there, and yet, all he wanted to do was pack up and leave. 

The band had decided to meet up in the late afternoon, to keep working on a song they were close to finishing. After having spent the day fucking up at work, Dan had been nervous about the band's little reunion, knowing he’d have to work with Kyle who had, on his side, spent the day ignoring Dan’s texts. The older man’s stomach was in knots when he opened the door to the studio, but Kyle wasn’t there, and hadn’t bothered to show up in the two and a half hours Dan, Will and Woody had been there. He’d merely sent Will a text, letting him know he was ill and wouldn’t be able to make it.

And the thing was, Dan could deal with Kyle being upset with him on a personal level. It was hard, and if he thought about it too much, it’d probably send him right back into the state he’d been in the previous night, but he could push it all the way to the back of his head while they were making music by losing himself in his work. But Kyle skipping practice just because he didn’t want to breathe the same air as Dan was something entirely different. First of all, it did hurt, because Kyle never, _ever_ , under any circumstances, missed practice. Even when he was terribly hungover or had lost his voice. Even when he lost his nan and Dan told him to just stay with his family, he ended up showing up. Because just like him, Kyle could only breathe through music. So, for him to miss an opportunity to sit at his keyboard and mess around with Mark’s production meant that he truly didn’t want anything to do with Dan. Which was very hard to accept for the older man. Kyle was going to great fucking lengths to avoid him, and Dan was starting to believe he simply hated him, at this point. And to top it all off, Dan was growing more and more annoyed at his friend. He was serious about the band, and Kyle’s behaviour was totally unprofessional. They couldn’t let their feelings affect the band, not if they wanted it to work.

As a consequence of his disastrous day and the bundle of feelings he was juggling with, Dan kept snapping at his bandmates and their producer, and so after another hour of trying to power through his own emotional exhaustion, he decided to send everyone home, himself included. Disappointed, sad and feeling once again on the verge of tears, he headed straight for his bedroom as soon as he made it home, not even bothering to stop and sit down for dinner with Kate and Ian. He laid on his bed for a good while, staring at the ceiling, until his phone rang to let him know he’d received a text and he opened it to find Oliver asking him how he was doing.

That was the final straw. The tears he’d been desperately holding back throughout the day finally broke free, and he felt so drained he couldn’t even find it in himself to get his shit together. Even after the way Dan had treated him, Oliver was still checking on him, and yet. And yet, Dan couldn’t bring himself to care about anything other than Kyle. Kyle potentially hating him, Kyle blatantly lying to not have to spend time with Dan, the disgust in Kyle’s eyes as he caught Dan kissing Oliver. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

Dan was so busy trying to muffle the sobs agitating his body he almost missed the sound of glass shattering against the floor in the hallway, and someone cursing under their breath. Running both of his hands on his cheeks to dry the tears away, Dan quickly got to his feet and ran to his door to see which of his housemates needed help cleaning up. He froze when his eyes met Kyle’s, who was crouching down and holding one of his hands with the other. His gaze followed Kyle’s as it set on his hand, and Dan then realised a nasty cut was spreading on his palm, blood dripping from it onto the broken glass at his feet.

“Fuck, Kyle, are you okay?” he hissed, rushing to Kyle’s side and taking his hand between his to have a better look.

“Yeah, sorry I woke you up. It’s just Kate’s stupid vase. I couldn’t be bothered to turn the lights on and… Anyway. It’s fine. I can handle it from there, thanks,” he said, after Dan was done cleaning up for him.

Dan knew Kyle was lying. It wasn’t that he’d been too lazy to turn the lights on. He hadn’t _wanted_ to turn them on so he could sneak to the bathroom without Dan knowing anything about it. He watched as Kyle stood and staggered a little, and he caught him by the elbow before he had the chance to faint.

“This is stupid. Let me help you,” he said, and Kyle was out enough to let him manhandle him to his bedroom.

The older man made him sit on his bed and disappeared to the bathroom so he could gather the first aid kit and plasters. Sitting down on Kyle’s bed next to him, Dan set to work, silently at first. But the air was thick and heavy with tension, and he could feel his friend studying him, so he decided if this was the only opportunity he’d have to have a conversation with Kyle, then fuck it.

“I’m so sorry you had to find out I liked guys this way. I really am. I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not that I didn’t trust you - you know I’d trust you with my life. I just… I didn’t want to risk losing you in case you weren’t okay with it. I’m also really sorry if you find it disgusting or gross, but I…”

“Wait, what?” Kyle cut him off, and Dan kept his eyes on the plaster he was using to bandage his hand. “You can’t _possibly_ think I’m grossed out by you being into guys. That’s really not it,” he said, and he sounded genuinely baffled.

“Then what is it, Kyle? You’ve been avoiding me all day. Why?” Dan murmured, staring at his own hands now that Kyle’s was properly cleaned up and bandaged.

“You really don’t know?” Kyle asked, and when Dan shook his head, he seemed to deflate a little and averted his gaze. He looked vulnerable in this position, like the walls he usually built between himself and the rest of the world were slowly coming down, and Dan ached to hug him.

“I just…”

He seemed to struggle to find the right words, and Dan waited. Waited, and waited, and waited, but nothing ever came, and when Dan looked up, it was to find he’d built his walls back up. He knew whatever was about to come out of Kyle’s mouth was going to be a lie, and he felt his heart clench a little. Just a little, because he’d expected this. He was used to it. Sighing heavily, Dan shook his head and stood up.

“Don’t bother. I don’t need to hear it if it's not the truth.” He walked the short distance to the door, but then turned around to look at Kyle one last time. He was still avoiding eye contact. “You know, you’re my friend, and I love you. And I know it’s hard for you to talk about your feelings. But you can’t expect me to be honest and tell you stuff when you don’t tell me anything. That’s not how it works,” he uttered.

Dan gave Kyle another minute to hold him back, another chance to finally open up and let him know what was happening. Unsurprisingly, Kyle didn’t seize it, and Dan nodded silently, slipping through the door and swallowing around the lump in his throat as he accepted he wouldn't get any explanation from him that night.


	6. chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Hope everyone had a great week!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter hehe, hope you guys like it too. As usual, comments are highly appreciated, and I'd like to thank each and everyone of you who have taken a minute to support my work in the past few weeks. It literally means the world! X

When Dan’s alarm went off the next day and he was forced to consciousness, he opened his eyes with the impression he’d barely slept for ten minutes. He dragged his sorry self to breakfast, and stared at Kyle’s back as the younger man brewed his tea and pointedly started ignoring him again. Anger was starting to build up inside Dan’s stomach, and he didn’t get angry very often, but when he did, he did it properly, and people usually regretted upsetting him. 

The whole situation was just so unfair. He was the one who’d accidentally been exposed and had had a part of his private life revealed without his consent - although it wasn’t really Kyle’s fault either -, and yet he was the one to pay the price for it. Kyle was giving him the silent treatment for no reason whatsoever, since Kate and Kyle himself had assured him it had nothing to do with Dan liking men. But if Kyle wanted to handle the situation like a three-year-old, then that was exactly what Dan was going to give him.

“Dan! You got mail!” Ian called from the hallway, and Dan frowned.

He briefly saw Kyle give him a side glance as he stood to meet their housemate in the entrance, thinking to himself it was weird because their mail usually never came before at least ten - and even then, that was on the good days. It probably hadn’t been delivered by the postman, though, because when Ian handed it to Dan, no address was specified on the front of the envelope. Dan’s name was the only indication as to whom it was supposed to be addressed to, and the little package wasn’t flat either, which was even more confusing. For a split second, Dan got scared he was holding a bomb between his hands, but he figured it was too small to do any real damage and his curiosity got the best of him anyway, so he thanked Ian before rushing back to his room to open the envelope. Inside it was a cassette, and it was honestly starting to sound like the beginning of a very predictable horror film - Dan wondered if he was about to listen to someone threatening him. 

He loved horror movies, though, so he placed the record in a cassette player and turned the volume up. _Killing Me Softly With His Song_ by the Fugees started playing after a few seconds of white noise, and he frowned in confusion. Who could have sent this? He loved the song, and most of his friends knew it held a special place in his heart as it always brought back childhood memories he was fond of, from when his sister had bought the album and they would blast it all day long and sing along to it. With that being said, he had no idea why anyone would anonymously send him a copy of the song on cassette. Just as he was going to take it out of the cassette player, the next track started, revealing a piano-only arrangement of the same song. Dan froze, staring at the tape recorder in pure amazement. It was one of the prettiest arrangements he’d ever heard of any song, and the way the pianist played the chords got under his skin and made his heart beat faster as he listened. He could tell the person was pouring their very soul into the song, and when they played the final chords, Dan found he was breathless and at a loss for words.

“What was that?” he heard Kyle ask from behind him, and he turned around to see him leaning against the doorframe.

Dan felt so moved he didn’t even have it in him to stay upset with Kyle. “Don’t know. It came in the mail this morning.”

“Any idea who could have sent it?”

He gave it a good thought, and tried to analyse the handwriting on the envelope, but the three letters were written in all-caps. Dan didn’t see why any of his friends would want to surprise him with this, and so his brain jumped to the most logical conclusion.

“It has to be Oliver. I don’t remember telling him how much this song means to me, but I must have at some point. And he plays piano, so it _has_ to be him. I have to call him,” Dan said, grabbing his phone and doing as much.

“Dan? Hi!” Oliver’s voice exclaimed through the phone, and Dan beamed.

“Hey!” he replied, and after exchanging a few pleasantries, Dan decided he’d better just get straight to the point. “Thank you so much for the cassette. How did you know _Killing Me Softly_ was one of my favourite songs? And that piano version was so impressive too! When you said you played the piano, I didn’t realise you meant you were a fucking piano genius. Actually… I mean, would you mind coming over to work on a few songs with us, someday? I’m alright at piano, but I could really use an expert’s feedback.”

“Uh... What do you mean, ‘us’?”

_Right_ , Dan remembered. He hadn’t told Oliver about the band - he hated having to do that. He chuckled a little. He was so excited about working with Oliver he completely forgot to be embarrassed about being in a band.

“Yeah, um... I’m sort of, like, in a band. Nothing you might have heard of, but we’re trying to make it work, and... By the sounds of it, you’re clearly really good at piano. I could honestly use your skills.”

“Oh well, yeah, sure! Just... Text me when, and I’ll be there!”

Dan thanked him again for the small, though very thoughtful gift, then hung up and immediately texted Oliver to let him know Kate was throwing a small party that night, and he was more than welcome to come by earlier than everyone else so they could work on the band’s music. They’d been struggling with a song for weeks now, and maybe Oliver would be able to identify the missing piece.

“So? Was it him?” Kyle asked, making Dan jump. He’d forgotten his friend was there.

“Yeah! He’s coming over to work on _Laura Palmer_ later today, before Kate’s party for Ian. I’m so excited to hear what an actual professional has to offer, ‘cause I’m literally this close to losing my mind over this song,” Dan said dreamily, dropping onto his bed with his back laid flat against the mattress, as he stared at the ceiling.

Maybe he’d been right, and maybe the fiasco of the last few days had been worth it. Maybe he could fall for Oliver. Maybe he could move on from his stupid unrequited feelings for Kyle. Oliver and him shared loads of interests, and he was also attentive enough to think about Dan and ways to show him he cared. Which sort of made Dan feel bad for the way he’d been barely responding to his texts in the past few days, but he’d had his reasons, and he’d just have to explain, apologise, and hope the other man would understand.

“Thanks,” Kyle said in response to Dan implying he wasn’t a professional of his own, and he rolled his eyes when his friend gave him a small, apologetic smile. “You sure it was him?” he asked, and he looked… lost.

“Who else, Kyle? You?” Dan joked, and his friend let out a laugh that sounded a bit fake, but Dan was done trying to analyse Kyle’s every movement.

“Me? I would never. A soppy mixtape, that’s lame.”

“Well, there you go, then. It couldn’t be any of you guys, because you all are the least romantic people on the planet. So I really don’t see who else could have done this. And Oliver didn’t deny it, which is basically a confirmation in itself, so subject’s closed. Also, it’s not lame. I think it’s sweet,” he specified. “Now you’ll have to excuse me, I’m late for work.”

Gently pushing Kyle out of the way, Dan closed the door behind him as he left his room, setting off for a very long day he’d probably spend daydreaming about recent events.

***

“Guys, this is Oliver! Oliver, here’s Woody, our drummer, Will, our bassist, and Kyle, err… Well, you’ve sort of met him last time, he’s my housemate, but he’s also our keyboardist,” Dan introduced him to the others as he guided Oliver into his bedroom, where everyone had gathered.

“Nice to meet you!” Woody said as he offered Oliver his hand to shake, and Will did the same.

Dan looked anxiously at Kyle, silently asking him to try and make up for the first time he’d met Oliver. He thought he heard his friend sigh, but then he shook Oliver’s hand with something that could pass off as a smile, which put Dan’s mind at ease for approximately ten seconds. He still had no idea why Kyle was acting like this with his new… friend, and he wished he could just stop caring about getting his validation, but surprisingly, it appeared turning your feelings off wasn’t as simple as people made it out to be.

After Dan had properly introduced Oliver to the others - leaving out the bit about them kissing on his porch just a few days prior -, they all settled in different spots around the room to start working on the song Dan was struggling to finish. He didn’t fail to notice the way Kyle rushed to sit next to him on his bed before Oliver could get there, and he had to take a deep breath to try and tamp down the sudden wave of anger threatening to take over him. What was he doing? If Dan didn’t know better, he would almost have thought Kyle was being jealous, but he knew this couldn’t be it, because what would he have been jealous about? He was just being a possessive twat for no apparent reason, and Dan was already close to giving him a good slap across the face when he heard him laugh at one of Oliver’s questions.

“Who’s this Laura girl, anyway?” he asked after reading through the lyrics, and although Dan cringed a little, he still shot daggers at Kyle for laughing. 

“Laura Palmer, from Twin Peaks, obviously. Dan’s favourite show. Surprised you don’t know that, since you seem to know him so well. I’m sure you’re an _amazing actor_ as well as a wicked pianist, aren’t you, Oliver? Maybe you could send Dan a reenactment of a Twin Peaks episode, next time,” Kyle stated in a fake lighthearted tone, and everybody in the room stared at him in shock, except for Oliver who just held his gaze and smiled a little.

“Um, anyway. Yeah, it’s about a Twin Peaks character. Maybe we can play it for you, and you can tell us what you think,” Dan hurried to say, and he waved in Woody’s direction so he would press play on the computer file.

Oliver listened carefully and then started throwing in ideas, which resulted in Dan drawing his keyboard out from under his bed to set it up in front of Kyle and himself so they could try out some of Oliver’s suggestions.

“No, that’s not…Wait, let me show you. May I?” Oliver asked Kyle when the other man failed to press the keys in the way he was telling him to, tilting his head to the side.

Kyle seemed reluctant to stand and giving his spot up, but Dan nudged him in the knee, and he offered them all another fake smile, looking for all the world like he was about to punch Oliver square in the face.

“Suit yourself,” he offered in something that resembled a condescending tone, and at this point, Dan was just furious. He couldn’t really say anything about it then, though, so he kept it in and placed his hand on the keyboard the way Oliver told him to, and followed his lead, so they were playing ascending harmonies together.

It sounded good, and once Dan got the hang of it, he looked back up at the shorter man while still playing, meeting his eye and beaming at him to let him know he thought his idea was brilliant. Oliver smiled back, and Dan felt his heart falter a little as his eyes dropped to his lips. They were sat close to each other, and under other circumstances, without his mates looking at them, Dan would have just had to lean in a little to kiss him. Which he really wanted to do. 

“Right,” Kyle chimed in, opening the door. “It’s sorted, then, Dan. You got what you needed. Now let’s head back down, we’re missing all the fun.”

And he was right. The party was in full swing when they reached the living room, and everyone was chatting lively, drink in hand and music blasting in the background. Kyle pushed past him a little to join his girlfriend who was sat in a corner of the room, laughing at something one of their mutual friends had said, and overall looking ethereal as she smiled when Kyle kissed her cheek. He hated that Kyle allowed himself to be so intimate with her right under his nose after having been so rude to Oliver just minutes before, when he was _clearly_ not the one to have his heart stomped here, but then again, what could he do about it?

“Fancy a drink?” Oliver suggested, resting his hand on Dan’s forearm.

“Or ten,” Dan sighed.

Oliver laughed and left to get them drinks, while Dan looked for somewhere to sit and chat in peace. And then suddenly, he was four drinks in and incredibly tipsy, laughing at everything the Aussie was saying. Dan had the bad habit of folding in half when he laughed, and so he inevitably ended up half-sat on Oliver’s lap, one arm thrown around his shoulders. He felt more than saw their faces inch closer, Oliver’s breath washing over his lips, and he was about to seal their lips together when he heard someone clear their throat next to them. Deeply annoyed, Dan looked up to see Kyle standing there, and he gave him a questioning look, not bothering to untangle himself from Oliver.

“What do you want, Kyle?”

“I need to show you something,” Kyle said, and even in his hazed state, Dan could see his jaw was set and he was avoiding looking at Oliver.

“We’re kind of in the middle of something here, mate,” Oliver bit back, and Dan didn’t feel his hand slid up his thigh until he saw Kyle’s eyes train on it.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure it can wait. It’ll give you time to think about your next gift to Dan, right?” Kyle spat out, and Dan stood at that, feeling anger building up inside of him again.

“I need to have a word with Kyle. I’ll be right back.”

***

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you being so rude to Oliver?” he snapped once they were in his dimly lit bedroom, shoving directly at Kyle’s chest.

Dan wasn’t feeling so tipsy anymore. He was too busy being furious at Kyle to be drunk.

“What?”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Kyle. You’ve been an absolute dick to Oliver ever since he got here. So go ahead, tell me. What’s it about?” Dan all but demanded, holding a firm grip on Kyle’s wrist. “I’m not letting you go until I get an answer this time, so for both of our sakes, you better tell me now,” he threatened, and saw Kyle let out a weak sigh.

“It’s just that... I don’t think he’s right for you,” he whispered, so low that Dan thought he might have dreamt it.

But he didn’t, and he huffed a small, incredulous laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. Who did Kyle think he was, trying to fuck with his relationships like that? Dan wanted to scream. It was so unfair. There he was, trying desperately to move on from Kyle, and the universe kept throwing his friend in his way. Kyle had no right to try and fuck with Dan’s head, no matter why he was doing it.

“Because he’s a man,” Dan concluded for Kyle, and his friend finally met his eye, dread etched all over his features. “Because me being gay grosses you out, and you’re trying to sabotage my relationship with Oliver so I can go back to being lonely and you can just pretend I’m… normal.”

“What?” He ripped his wrist out of Dan’s grip and shook his head. “Fuck’s sake, Dan, will you let it go already? I’m not a fucking homophobe. That’s not what this is about!”

Dan was starting to grow seriously impatient, and he felt his eyes sting, which _infuriated_ him. Of course his stupid eyes were choosing this very moment to tear up and humiliate him.

“Then what the fuck is it about, Kyle? It can’t be because you don’t think Oliver’s good enough, ‘cause you don’t bloody know him, so that’s just bullshit. Don’t try to say it’s ‘cause you’re drunk either, you and me both know you’ve been in worse states. Just... Fucking tell me the truth, for once, because I’m done trying to read your mind,” Dan whisper-shouted, and his fists were curled up at his sides, to try and keep his hands from shaking.

“I... It’s just...”

Dan just about had time to hear him groan loudly in frustration before he closed the short distance between them, and his first reaction was to fear he’d pushed Kyle too far and his friend was going to hit him, because the other alternative seemed absolutely inconceivable. But then, Kyle’s lips were on his, and the older man had the air knocked out of his lungs. He didn’t dare to move or even just open his eyes, not wanting to face the repercussions of Kyle’s actions, and he must have looked like a right idiot, standing there with both of his arms dangling on either sides of his body, but his brain had completely stopped functioning. After a couple more seconds, Kyle stepped back, and Dan stared wide-eyed, silently making another attempt at having his brain cooperate.

“Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t have...”

Dan exhaled cautiously, and Kyle didn’t move away, so he just shook his head slowly.

“But what... I don’t... What about her?” he asked after a while, not knowing what else to say.

There was a million other things Dan could have asked, and he was well aware of that. He should probably have asked why, why Kyle was kissing him when he’d never showed any interest in him before - not in that way. He could also have asked why he chose to do it now, when he was taking matters into his own hands to try and move on from him. And he most definitely should have asked what Kyle meant by it, but he didn’t. He didn’t ask any of these questions, because getting a straight answer out of Kyle was terrifying, and that was when Dan realised he couldn’t blame Kyle for not having been honest with him in the past when he himself had wanted him to keep his guard up.

“That’s not... It doesn’t matter,” Kyle whispered after a while.

Dan gaped for a moment, and had no idea what he was supposed to understand. Had Kyle broken up with his girlfriend after all? He was fairly certain he’d seen them kiss earlier that night, but who even knew anymore. More importantly, why was Kyle kissing him? Was he... Dan suppressed the thought - it hurt his brain to try and figure out what was happening. Kyle was standing in front of him, observing him anxiously, and the older man found he didn’t care about the why, how, where and when. It really didn’t matter why, if Kyle was willing to kiss him, Dan certainly wasn’t going to turn him down. He didn’t care how much longer it would take for Kyle’s brain to rewire and realise he was kissing Dan, he didn’t care if the younger man ended up pushing him further away than he’d ever done before, what mattered was that he was right here, right then, and was allowing Dan to live in his own fantasy for God knew how long.

“Kiss me,” he said softly then, and surprisingly, he didn’t have to ask twice.

Kyle’s lips were on his once again as soon as he’d uttered the words, and his arms circled his waist while Dan linked his around Kyle’s neck. His lips were warm against Dan’s and he tasted exactly like the kiss felt - bittersweet. The older man had no idea how long they stayed there, kissing back and forth, shyly running a hand through the other’s hair or grasping at their clothes, but Kyle ended up nipping at Dan’s lower lip, to which Dan unashamedly let out a moan, and then all of a sudden Kyle was pushing him backwards so his back would rest against the nearest wall, knocking stuff over on the way.

While Kyle worked his way down Dan’s neck, the older man stared at the ceiling, whispering Kyle’s name in pure bliss, sliding a hand under his shirt. The situation had completely got out of hand, and Dan didn’t know what to think anymore. What had gotten into Kyle? Where was all of this coming from? Had Dan been blind this whole time, or...? No, it must have been new. He refused to accept he’d been torturing himself with his feelings for months for nothing. Was Kyle into guys as well, and had just never found a way - or the right time - to tell Dan? Was that what his open relationship with his girlfriend was about? Was it...

Suddenly, Kyle’s tongue was in his mouth, and Dan lost his train of thought, too caught up in feeling to think about anything else. This felt just as good as he’d never dared to hope it would, and when his hips inadvertently met Kyle’s he let his head fall back as they both chased the feeling. He nodded when Kyle reached for the back of his thighs and used his arms still linked around Kyle’s neck for leverage to try and wrap his legs around his waist, his tongue still tangled with Kyle’s. They both lacked balance and clarity, though, and Dan winced when his back hit the wall violently.

“Shit! Are you...” Kyle whispered against his lips.

“Bed,” Dan indicated at the exact same time, deciding he didn’t want to stop kissing Kyle for long enough to string an actual sentence together, and they both stumbled in the bed’s direction, somehow still kissing.

Dan let himself fall on the mattress as soon as the back of his knees hit the bed, and Kyle followed suit, allowing Dan to wrap his legs around his waist, which provided them both with some much-needed friction. There was nothing else in Dan’s world then, nothing other than Kyle’s heart beating against his own chest, Kyle’s hands exploring the skin under his shirt, Kyle’s lips branding his neck and letting out the most gorgeous sounds he’d ever heard every time Dan raised his hips to add some pressure to the aching area of his body. Of all the music Dan had ever created, Kyle moaning his name against his ear was his favourite. He thought about telling him as much, and about uttering the three words his lips had been burning to form for so long, but then heard a thud against the door.

“Kyle?”

It took a few seconds for Dan’s brain to catch up and realise he hadn’t been the one to speak Kyle’s name, but he didn’t think much of it and bit at his earlobe instead, burrowing a hand in his hair.

“Kyle, are you in there?” the voice insisted, more loudly this time, and Kyle immediately froze and then untangled himself from Dan so he could stand.

“Fuck. Fuck, shit, fuck,” he swore under his breath, running a hand through his hair to tamp it down as he used the other one to readjust his clothes.

Taken aback, Dan heaved himself onto his elbows so he could see Kyle better in the half-light.

“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? We can slow things down, I’m...”

“Shhhhh!” Kyle said, miming the thought by pressing his index against his own lips. “I have to go. That was Hannah. Stay here. Wait a little before coming down. I’ll distract her so she doesn’t think anything of it when she realises we were both in here,” he asked in a hushed tone.

Dan felt his stomach drop. Of course. How naive of him. When Kyle had said it didn’t matter, that wasn’t what he’d thought he meant. He didn’t think his best friend was about to cheat on his girlfriend with him. He was mortified, and everywhere Kyle’s fingertips had left goosebumps in their wake earlier felt dirty now.

“I’m sorry,” Kyle said upon seeing Dan’s expression, and he had the decency to actually sound sorry. “I don’t... I don’t have a choice. I have to go. It’s not... It doesn’t have anything to do with you,” he said, and he sounded desperate, but Dan had the awful impression his soul had left his body and merely nodded to send him on his way so he could be alone.

In the past years, Kyle had made Dan feel a real cocktail of emotions. Most of them were positive - he’d made him feel safe, loved, supported, understood. Even the negative ones often emanated from the positivity Kyle brought into his life. It was the first time his best friend made him feel used and disgusted with himself, like his body didn’t belong to him anymore. And if Kyle had been the one to protect him from all these ugly feelings in the past years, how was Dan supposed to deal with them now that Kyle was the one to cause them?


	7. chapter seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys believe it didn't take me an entire week to write this chapter? I know!! I'm shocked too!!
> 
> Anyway, as usual, hope you enjoy this one. I thought it'd be nice to switch perspectives and start un-blurring some things.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Lots of love, see you on Sunday for another update (hopefully)! X

Fucking up was a normal, human thing to do. How else were people supposed to figure out their boundaries, and those of the people around them? As a human being, you were _expected_ to make mistakes and learn from them. That was what normal people did. They made mistakes and learnt from them. Kyle, however, did not.

The thing was, there was a major difference between a mild fuck-up and _tremendously damaging a relationship you genuinely cared about_. There was turning up at work ten minutes late, there was putting salt in a customer’s coffee instead of sugar, there was playing the wrong key on a piano, and then there was _going and kissing one of your best friends senseless_. Kyle was pretty sure you couldn’t handle the latter by just brewing another coffee or apologising and promising you’d be on time the next day.

He couldn’t believe what he’d done. In all fairness, it had been a really awful day. It’d all started with Dan convincing himself the guy he’d met a few days prior had been the one to send him the short mixtape, and this guy letting him believe it. What a fucking liar. Of course Kyle wanted to slam the guy’s face through the door for setting Dan up for deception like that. The easy way out would have been to just blame him for everything going to bits, because it most certainly was partly his fault Kyle was in this mess in the first place. But deep down, Kyle knew it had been a long time coming, and he only really had himself to blame for it.

After all, he should have expected it. He’d been dying to kiss Dan again for years now. He’d thought he had it under control: he’d started seeing Hannah a year and a half ago, and he liked her. She was a good distraction. He was still waiting for the sparks and fireworks, but he liked her, and she’d seemed like Kyle’s best option at the time he’d met her. He was aware of how that made him sound like the least romantic person on the planet - which he might have been -, but he knew Hannah and he were on the same page on that matter. Or at least had been. When they’d gotten together, Hannah’s one condition had been to keep the relationship open so she could keep her own options open. Kyle had agreed because it sounded convenient - it wasn’t really that he wanted to be able to see other people too, he just found it would be a bit hypocritical of him to expect someone to fully commit to their relationship when his own heart wasn’t completely in it. It’d worked well at the beginning. They enjoyed each other’s company, and it felt good to have someone to get his mind off… _things_. But like most casual relationships tended to go when you held on for too long, they’d stopped moving at the same pace, and when Hannah had told Kyle she wanted them to be exclusive, Dan had just said he wanted to go on this stupid speed-dating event with Kate, and so Kyle had said yes. 

Which was an incredibly stupid thing to do, obviously. Dating someone out of spite for somebody else was definitely _not_ it. Especially when this other person could not have cared less about it. So, like any functioning adult would do, Kyle decided he totally wouldn’t break it off with Hannah and would just convince himself he was starting to develop feelings for her. Healthiest option, right? It’d worked for approximately twelve seconds and a half. Then Kyle had gone home from their date night, climbed the stairs all the way to Dan’s room, seen it was still an absolute chaos from his outfit picking earlier that day, and he’d realised it could never work out because Hannah’s room was always perfectly tidy. Not _because of that_ , just because it meant she wasn’t Dan, and Kyle didn’t want to come home from work to a tidy house. Kyle wanted to come home from work and trip over shoes Dan had left in the way for the umpteenth time. He wanted to get upset over that, argue with Dan, have them shout at each other, before they settled the argument by crashing into each other.

These thoughts were sort of why he was in this mess in the first place, though. Kyle knew Hannah had started to notice. He knew she’d started to notice because she’d actually told him so - not upfront, but when she’d started implying Dan and him were awfully close and she’d started asking if Kyle’s mum liked Dan and if she never said anything about the way he behaved with the singer, he’d known what she meant. There was a reason why Kyle had never introduced Dan to his parents, who knew most of his mates otherwise. Dan apparently had no recollection of it, but he’d been met with a very first-hand experience of his sexual orientation.

***

_About two years ago_

If there was one thing Kyle loved about university, it was their student radio. It was a little gathering of people from all departments and backgrounds, and most of his best mates he’d met through this radio station. He was part of the small sound engineering team who made sure everything ran smoothly and helped the two DJs pick the songs they wanted to play on air, and the minute Kyle had set foot in the tiny cubicle they called a studio for the first time, he’d noticed the shy, awkward guy who seemed to be playing journalists rather than actively trying to be one. Through the glass that separated the live room from the control room he'd been standing in, he couldn’t help but steal glances at the dark-haired boy who kept doubling over with laughter at everything remotely funny the person they were interviewing was saying, and didn’t fail to notice how the journalist kept going through his notebook, pushing his glasses up his nose or running a hand through his hair, in something that seemed to be more anxious habits than actual needs.

He hadn’t really had time to ask what the guy was called on that day, though. It was his first time at the station, and people wanted to show him around, and ask him technical stuff he was purely pretending to know about. It hadn’t taken him too long to figure out that the guy was called Dan, that he was part of the English Lit students, and that everyone at the radio station _hated_ the English Lit bunch. Kyle couldn’t even recall why, as it was probably some stupid drama that had gotten them there, but he’d therefore spent weeks admiring Dan from afar, too scared of what people would say if he actually went up to him. And Dan and Kate had been intimidating the fuck out of him. That was, until he'd had to stay late with them to help with an interview.

It’d been a special night for the radio station lot, as they’d managed to pull an interview with a big celebrity Dan and Kate apparently really, _really_ liked if one was to judge from the way they’d been looking at the older woman. Kyle’d had no idea who she was, and he’d been too busy struggling with the sound anyway, since he’d had to handle the ancient-looking mixing desk on his own - everyone else had already set off to the party. Kyle had been ready to drop everything to go get drunk as soon as the interview was recorded to be broadcast the next morning, but then he’d noticed the way Dan had been doing his very best to stall leaving the studio with Kate and had decided to put him out of his misery.

“Hey, um, Dan? Do you think you could come listen to this? I just need to make sure of something…” he said vaguely, not being very good at making up excuses.

Kyle had almost been certain he’d heard Dan heave a sigh of relief before he'd sent Kate on her way and told her he’d just head back home afterwards. They’d both watched Kate leave, and then Kyle’d had a moment of sheer panic, because what the hell was he supposed to do now? He was alone with a guy he didn’t know, and even worse, he was alone with a very fit guy he didn’t know but lowkey had been having a crush on for weeks. He'd figured Dan wouldn’t stay anyway and would just give Kate a few minutes to leave before he’d just walk back to wherever it was that he lived, but then Kyle had seen him drop into one of the office chairs next to him and had given him a side glance.

“You do know I have nothing to show you, right? I just noticed you were looking for an excuse to not go to this party and thought I’d give you one.”

Dan had smiled softly to himself as he looked down then, and Kyle had noted for the first time how sad he was looking. “Yeah, I know. That was really nice. Thank you,” he’d said, and Kyle had shrugged, wondering if it would be weird to lean over and hug him. He’d looked like he could really use a hug.

“No problem. You want to stay and help me edit the interview? You did a great job, out there. You wanna be a journalist? ‘Cause I think you’d be a wicked one. You always look and sound like you actually listen to the answers people give you,” Kyle had admitted, partly because he'd meant it and wanted to cheer up the poor lad, and partly because he'd been unashamedly trying to flirt.

“Do I really look that sad?” Dan had asked, and Kyle had been ready to argue that that wasn’t why he was saying all this, but then Dan had shaken his head to cut him off. “Yeah, I think I might want to be a journalist. I love films, I think I could make it as a film critic. I think.” He’d shrugged, and then finally looked up and directly into Kyle’s eyes, taking his breath away. “I haven’t seen you around the studio before, I think. You new?”

Kyle had done his best to keep a straight face, because it was almost funny how he’d been pining over a guy who literally had no idea he existed for several weeks now. How very _Kyle_ of him.

“Yeah, I’m a first year Music student, so I only started working here a few weeks ago. I usually cover the morning recordings, so I guess that’s why we haven’t really met before.”

Dan had nodded and introduced himself, as if Kyle hadn’t been daydreaming about having his babies ever since he’d first seen him, and so Kyle had played along. 

“God, I love this song,” Dan had blurted out of nowhere, and Kyle had smiled as he recognised _Killing Me Softly_ through the PA system.

“Yeah, one of the best songs out there innit? My mum loves it,” he’d uttered softly, watching as Dan had closed his eyes to enjoy the rest of the song.

And just like that, they’d ended up spending the better part of the evening talking and downing a bottle of cheap alcohol they’d found in one of the cupboards while doing so, and by the end of the night, Dan hadn’t looked so sad anymore. He actually hadn’t been able to stop laughing, which had in turn sent Kyle into numerous fits of laughter, and all in all, he’d thought it was time well spent. They’d even managed to edit the interview somehow - he couldn't remember when exactly, seeing as he'd been too tipsy to think straight. _Thinking straight_ Kyle had clearly, clearly not been, because when he’d walked Dan back to his house, he’d just spontaneously grabbed Dan’s wrist in the middle of the street and gone straight for his lips.

Which, Kyle had always been a hundred percent down to do things on a whim. He’d never been one to overthink anything for ages. Anything, but his sexuality. It turned out apparently having homophobic parents made you internalise a decent amount of homophobia yourself, and made it that much harder to accept that you might not be as straight as you thought you were. So for him to just come out and kiss Dan in the middle of the street had been a very bold statement, although no one else was around to see it and Dan probably didn’t realise it. Somehow, seeing as the evening had gone, he’d just known the other man wouldn’t turn him down, which had given him enough courage to actually take that leap. _Best leap of his fucking life_ , he’d thought at the time. Because then they were kissing, all teeth and tongue and lips, and Dan’s hands were ghosting over his waist, and then he was taking his hand and dragging him back to his houseshare. They’d stumbled all the way to his room, but then, as Kyle had missed the bed to sit on in his inebriated state, he’d held a hand up and gently pushed Dan away.

“We… probably shouldn’t. Not now. We’re both really drunk, and I’ve sort of fancied you for a while, so I’d like to take you out on a proper date before… this? If that’s alright?”

Top ten things he’d never said before, and had never said again ever since. Dan had given him a funny look, like he couldn't believe - and quite frankly, neither could Kyle -, but he’d leant in to kiss Kyle’s brow.

“Yeah, that’s more than alright.” He’d sat next to Kyle and taken his hand between his. “Do you want to spend the night here?”

Kyle had smiled as he watched the older man draw random patterns on the back of his hand, and he’d shaken his head. This too was going in the same top ten.

“I’ll call a cab, thank you. My roommate is probably waiting for me to come home anyway.”

After kissing Dan’s cheek and writing his number on a piece of paper so the older man could text him the next day, Kyle had gone home, and waited to see if Dan would text as he replayed the night’s events over and over again in his head. He’d waited the next day, and the day after, and the day after that. He'd never got any text, and the next time he crossed paths with Dan, he didn’t even bother acknowledging him. So Kyle had told himself that it’d been that, then. Dan had woken up the next day and realised he’d made a huge mistake by kissing Kyle. For all Kyle knew, he might as well have been straight - it wouldn’t have been the first time. Fair enough, they’d been plastered the previous night. He’d licked his wounds and tried to move on, and he never really saw Dan anymore after he’d made the decision to quit his job at the radio station.

***

That was, until that stupid party where Kyle had caught Dan in the middle of a panic attack. He’d realised Dan genuinely didn’t remember him then, and had decided if he was given a clean slate and another chance at bonding with Dan, he would do it properly this time. So he’d become the friend Dan had needed him to be, he’d held him through his darkest times, and it still wasn’t working out, because now Kyle was in what was supposed to be a committed relationship with a woman that obviously wasn’t Dan, and Dan was dating an impostor. And to top it all off, after two years of holding himself back and trying to swallow down the fact that Dan didn’t like him back and it was okay to just be his friend, he’d thrown all caution to the wind and wasted every single effort he’d made by kissing Dan and then making it sound like it’d been a mistake he didn’t want him to say anything about. So much for trying to make things right. Kyle was forced to watch as his life seemed to be slipping through his own fingers without him being able to do anything about it, and he was fucking lost.


	8. chapter eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!
> 
> Just a heads-up, this chapter takes place roughly two years after Chapter 7. It ends in a bit of a weird place, I know, but it would have been too long otherwise, and I wanted to keep the rest for the next chapter. It’s more ‘logistical’ than the other chapters, which is really needed to set everything up, so I hope it’s not too boring to read!
> 
> Hoping everyone’s alright! X

For the umpteenth time in his life, Dan told himself he needed to sort out his anxiety. He’d tried all sorts of treatments - he’d been on medication, he’d attended a couple of therapy sessions, he’d even given yoga a try, for crying out loud. Nothing ever seemed to work. Meds just made everything bleak and incredibly slow, which freaked him out. Therapy… He probably should have given it more time, but there was no way in hell Dan would ever be able to be honest and open about his feelings, so it just felt like the worst waste of time. And yoga… Well. His sister had forcefully dragged him there once, and he’d spent the whole time feeling enough embarrassment about his lack of coordination for a lifetime. He had no desire to reiterate the experience even under the threat of torture.

What this meant, however, was that he was condemned to feel like he was about to pass out every time he was getting ready to hop on stage. There was no viable solution to his problem, because every time he solved the issue he thought was at the core of his anxiety, a shiny, new one appeared. Dan convinced himself no one would turn up to their gigs, and then when he realised the venue was packed with people almost piling up one on top of the other, his brain decided he’d somehow managed to catch a cold and wouldn’t be able to perform.

That was where his head was currently at. Tugging anxiously at his jumper, Dan stammered, “No but… Listen… Doesn’t my voice sound weird to you?”

“No more than it usually does,” Kyle teased with a small smirk, and Dan threw a pillow at his head - or rather, tried and miserably failed, knocking a lamp over in the process. His friend turned around to face him then, and gave him a reassuring smile as he left his bed to come sit on Dan’s. “You sounded great at soundcheck earlier, babes. That brain of yours just playing tricks on you again,” he added, bumping his shoulder into Dan’s as he bent down to tie his shoelaces.

And Dan did his best, he really did. He was doing his best to not let the pet name affect him, because that was what Kyle called all of his friends. But then his brain was flooded with memories from a drunken night a little over two years ago, and he just couldn’t help it. No matter how many times he told himself he was over it, it would all come rushing back to him every time Kyle did something to make him hope that maybe… maybe there was something more to their friendship. Which obviously wasn’t true. Two years on, Kyle was still with his girlfriend, and Dan felt sick to his stomach every time he thought about the eventuality of Kyle coming up to him one day in the foreseeable future to ask him whether he should propose. He still remembered how wound up he’d felt when Kyle had moved his stuff out of their houseshare to settle with her, and he did _not_ want to have to go through the experience again. Although, realistically, Kyle still lived more with him than he did his girlfriend ever since they’d really started touring. So technically, nothing had really changed.

Except it had, because now Kyle was in a fully committed, adult relationship, and Dan was left behind once again. He hated himself for sometimes thinking about the power he held in his hands, and about how he could at long last make her disappear if he ever were to use it. Kyle and he never talked about it, but pretending it had never happened didn’t actually make it true. They’d kissed, and even worse, Kyle had kissed Dan, and telling Kyle’s girlfriend would likely shatter their relationship. He would never say anything, of course. Hell, he was barely even able to think about bringing it up to Kyle. They’d never mentioned it, and Dan reckoned Kyle probably forgot it ever happened, and it seemed too late to say anything now anyway. It didn’t make it any less real.

Back then, right after Kyle had left his room, Dan had been ready to just ignore his demands and come down after him, simply to tell Hannah about the moment he’d just shared with her boyfriend. He’d wanted her to know, he’d wanted her to hurt the way he’d been hurting ever since she’d started seeing his friend, he’d wanted her to visualise every single detail, from the way Kyle had just whispered his name against his skin as he kissed his neck, to everything they could have done if she hadn’t interrupted. More than that, he’d wanted to see _Kyle_ hurt, for once. Because it was just so fucking _unfair_ that he could always get away with breaking Dan’s heart so easily. He’d wanted to do something that wasn’t _him_ , since being him apparently meant letting people walk all over him without raising so much as a finger. And he’d wanted the awful feeling of shame to go away - he didn’t deserve to be Kyle’s dirty little secret.

He’d felt absolutely drained emotionally speaking, though, and had just stayed in his room, blankly staring through his window. And after an entire night spent overthinking every single decision he’d ever made, Dan had made up his mind on two different matters. Firstly, he was going to pretend nothing ever happened with Kyle. If he remotely cared, Dan had guessed it was the best way to get back at him. That was what he’d been focusing on to avoid thinking about how he was also too scared to address the situation because it meant acknowledging it could potentially ruin their relationship. Secondly, he was going to tell Oliver he didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship and just throw himself headfirst into work instead. It seemed like the most reasonable decision to make at the time.

So he’d gone ahead and done that, and for a while, it’d worked. There wasn’t any room for heartbreak when you were constantly working on songs, trying to find a record label to sign a contract with, signing said contract, had your song played on a radio station, then another one, and then ten other ones across the globe, and were given the chance to go on an actual tour after one of your songs kind of blew up. It also helped Dan set boundaries with Kyle, them becoming colleagues, in a way. It wasn’t just about losing his friend anymore. He had to think about the band too.

Unfortunately, it didn’t make it easier to forget. He’d tried talking about it to lessen the burden, but all it had done was turn Kate against Kyle - Dan was sure that was partly why the younger man had agreed to move out of the houseshare. Kate had made his life miserable for a while. He’d tried drowning his sorrows into alcohol, which didn’t help because he just turned overly emotional and usually ended up crying like a baby on Kate’s shoulder. He’d tried going back to his mum and dad’s for a while, to enjoy some quality family time, and although it’d been nice to stay with them especially as his sister had just had a baby and would come visit them all once every two days, at the end of the day, it wasn’t actually making a difference. He was still lonely as fuck. He’d resorted to one-night stands again, as he’d done in uni, and the confidence boost was nice, but still not what he was looking for. Long story short, Dan was stuck.

To top it all off, every time he thought he was over Kyle, the younger man did something to send him right back into the spiral he couldn’t break free of. Like he was presently doing, by trying to cheer Dan up. ‘What about that night, Kyle?’ he craved to ask. ‘What about the way you kissed me, was it all just my brain playing tricks on me? The love bites I had to cover in makeup because I couldn’t bear looking at them, were they not real either? The way you held me, like you were scared I was gonna fade away, did I imagine that?’ He sometimes allowed himself to think about what would happen if he were to drop the bomb on his friend, if he would try to deny everything, put it on the alcohol he’d drank that night, even though they both knew one beer wasn’t enough to cloud one’s judgment. Would he snap at Dan, blame him for not wiping this night out of his mind? Or would he give him the closure he so desperately needed?

Dan shook himself out of his thoughts, because there was no point in daydreaming about what could be when he knew full well he’d never be brave enough to speak to Kyle. He’d just have to live with it, the way he had for the past years. Sharing hotel rooms with Kyle, letting him sleep on his shoulder in the minivan, having to work with him every day and night: that was his own personal nightmare. He must have behaved quite badly in his previous lives to be assigned such a painful punishment.

“Come on, let’s head down. We’re late enough as it is,” Kyle said, and Dan saw his hand hover above his wrist, so he shied away from his touch by standing up.

“Yeah. Sam’s going to kill us. Let’s go,” he concluded, ignoring the look on Kyle’s face as he chose to step out of the room instead.

***

Charity events weren’t usually Dan’s thing. Not that he wasn’t into helping charities and donating, it was quite the contrary, actually. But he enjoyed being able to donate to a cause he believed in or knew was important; being forced by their record label to attend a charity event for an organisation that would probably turn out to get sentenced for misappropriation of funds in a few years, however... Yeah, that wasn’t his thing. To make it even better, they demanded he went alone, because “the others weren’t needed really, right? It would cost more than it would bring benefits in”. Dan hated when they did that. First of all because it wasn’t true, the others were as needed as he was - it was the whole point of being in a band. And second of all because he hated having to show up to public events on his own. Doing so was absolutely nerve-racking for him. He needed Woody’s almost paternal presence, Will’s perfect composure, Kyle’s jokes and support. If Dan had wanted a solo career, he would have never launched himself heart and soul into their early band project in the first place. But he knew their label tended to be, well, to put it simply, _a bunch of self-absorbed cunts_ most of the time, and he’d launched himself into many fights with them before. It never led anywhere. So here he was now, still buzzing from their gig, and wishing he was in the shitty hotel room he shared with Kyle, who was probably passed out by now.

As long as they couldn’t afford to change labels, though, they were under this one’s commands. And the order this time was for Dan to go to the event alone. Which he obviously did, for lack of a better option. He went through having to wear a suit alone, gave interviews before the event on his own, entered the palace hosting the ceremony by himself, sat at a table of conceited male strangers without any of his friends to make fun of them with. And quite frankly, Dan had never been so bored in his entire life. Lectures back when he was still going to uni weren’t so much of a bore compared to this party. He couldn’t even figure out what the charity was fighting for or against. The only good thing was the food, but the wait between each dish was too long, and Dan was blatantly starting to get drunk on the wine the other men sharing his table were apparently not interested in trying out. At one point, he drew his phone out of his pocket and drunk texted the other members of the band on their group conversation, hoping they hadn’t gone to sleep and would be able to tear him out of his boredom.

**DAN, 10:34pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
Please come rescue me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling bad for himself _was_ his thing. And as soaked in alcohol as he appeared to be, it was even worse. He stared at his phone for a long minute and as nothing came, he sighed and shoved it back into his pocket, lazily observing his surroundings. At least the building was pretty. Kyle would have loved it, he thought. And, here he was again. Thankfully, that was the moment his phone chose to vibrate against his thigh, making him jump and giggle. The old men sitting next to him shot him an annoyed and condescending look. Oh fuck, was he tipsy.

**KYLE, 10:43pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
Dan? U okay? xx

Ah, Kyle. Sweet, worriable Kyle. Dan was so grateful for him putting him out of his misery in this instant, he almost forgot he was still supposed to be wary around him.

**DAN, 10:45pm @ Bad Lads of Bandvile:**  
I wanna go homeeeee

**DAN, 10:46pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
Also I might want to get laid?

**DAN, 10:46pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
And a burrito would be nice we still haven’t properly eaten!!!!! What the actual fuck in the name of fucks!!!!!!!

The fact that he would regret sending all of this potential gold content for his friends to use for his birthday did make it through Dan’s mind, but it hardly mattered at the time. Kyle was his only distraction, and if the price to not being bored _right now_ was a terrible hangover and his bandmates laughing at him the next morning along with the utter shame of behaving like a sixteen year-old, then so be it.

**KYLE, 10:48pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
You drunk?

**DAN, 10:48pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
Might indeed have drunk the whole bottle of wine on my own who knows

Kyle didn’t answer right away, and Dan worried he’d upset him. Which didn’t make sense, because Kyle had no reason to be upset. First of all because Kyle’s hangovers were always worse than Dan’s which meant he drank more than him, so he was in no position to be judging him, and second of all because Dan was a grown man. Also, third of all, because why the fuck would he care? Thankfully, though, Kyle didn’t sound pissed off in his next texts.

**KYLE, 11:03pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
You absolute tool

**KYLE, 11:04pm @ Bad Lads of Bandville:**  
I’m coming to get you. try and think of a way to sneak me in while I order an Uber

And quite frankly, Dan was about to start crying, because why did his friend have to make it so difficult for him to move on? He felt terribly unworthy of all the support Kyle was showering him in, especially knowing all the mixed feelings he’d been having over him as of late. Being in love with him was the most rewarding thread of Dan’s life, because if he set aside the night from two years ago, no one deserved his affection more than Kyle did. It still didn’t change the fact that it hurt, though, and that he was pissed at the entire universe for making his feelings unrequited.

His phone buzzed again and he stood after reading Kyle’s text informing him he’d arrived, feeling like he was going to either pass out or possibly ascend, which was a nice sensation in his humble opinion. It didn’t take him too long, all things considered, to reach the luxurious entrance hall, with its marble floor and its thick red carpets muffling the sound of footsteps. It was oddly empty, except for the security guard standing in the doorframe, looking very much bored - almost as much as Dan moments before that. He saw Kyle walking towards the doors and immediately grinned, clumsily jogging to his friend - definitely _not_ noticing how good he looked in a suit. Definitely not.

“Kyle!” he exclaimed, and hurled himself into the bearded man’s arms.

Dan wasn’t usually too keen on public displays of affection, especially not when Kyle was at the receiving end of them - not anymore, at least. But he was feeling all sappy - blame it on the bloody wine - and relieved to see a familiar face. Kyle caught him before he could lose his balance and steadied him, without looking for further explanation. He knew how anxious Dan got when he had to attend these kind of events on his own, which was probably - _had to be_ \- the reason why he didn’t push him away and only held him tighter in his arms.

“Hey. You alright?” he whispered against his ear as Dan tried his best not to focus on his hand running up and down his back in a comforting motion.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m drunk, though,“ Dan all but whined, nudging his nose against Kyle’s heartbeat pulsing in his throat, discretely inhaling the familiar smell of cologne and clean laundry.

“Yup, that much I sort of guessed, babes,” Kyle teased him. “I’ll bring you back to the hotel as soon as it’s not rude for me to do so. In the meantime, I can keep you company, if you’ve thought of a way to smuggle me in.”

“I think so. Can you lie and tell the security guard you’re my boyfriend? They allow plus-ones. Don’t worry, they won’t say anything about you being there because we had to sign some kind of... confidentiality thingy, I can’t remember the name, ugh. But basically, what happens in there stays in there. No photos or any kind of recording allowed, so, uh... She won’t know you were there,” Dan sleepily explained.

Kyle nodded and threw an arm around Dan’s waist for support as he led them to the security guard, whilst Dan hooked his arm around Kyle’s neck and let his head fall against his friend’s shoulder for good measure. It was in moments like these that Dan was grateful for their height difference.

“Hi there,” Kyle said to the security officer with that charming smile of his, tightening his hold on Dan’s waist, who couldn’t help but exhale a little as he buried his head deeper into the crook of Kyle’s neck - he was _so_ going to regret this. “I got held up, but I was supposed to be my boyfriend’s plus-one, so...”

Once again, Dan tried very hard to not be affected by Kyle calling him his boyfriend, reminding himself it was nothing but an act.

“What’s his name?” the man asked, suspiciously eyeing Dan, who was, at this point, just dozing in Kyle’s neck. The only reason he was still standing on his feet was Kyle himself.

“Dan Smith? From Bastille?”

“It says here he wasn’t supposed to come with anyone else,” the guy replied, pointing at his list.

“Yeah, that’s because he’s not publicly out, I guess. Doesn’t want anyone to know his plus-one is a guy,” Kyle shrugged him off, rolling his eyes to feign annoyance.

“Oh, yeah, I see,” the man said, obviously uninterested in what Kyle had to say and just wanting to look like he’d tried to do his job. “Guess you can come in then. Get him to freshen up though. He looks like shit.”

Kyle snorted. “Thanks so much for your kindness, sir,” he said, sarcasm clear in his voice.

Following Dan’s directions, Kyle dragged him back to where he’d been sat a few minutes before, and managed to find an empty chair to sit on himself. No one really paid them attention, which was a relief for Dan. The last thing he needed was people seeing him in this state.

“That guy kinda had a point, you know. You’re a mess right now. What happened? Why did you drink so much?” Kyle whispered softly as he leaned into Dan’s side a little.

_You_ , Dan almost said, feeling weirdly exhilarated. _You happened_. He caught himself before slipping, though, and bit his tongue instead.

“No reason in particular. I just... needed to let go of some of the pressure I’ve been feeling lately. That, and also, I was bored,” he lied, although it was true to a certain extent.

Kyle shook his head, giving him a pointed look.

“I’m not judging you, I know the amount of stress you have to deal with. I know none of us have to face the same pressure you do. I just... I wish you’d find another way to, you know, relax. I worry about you. And I...”

“Dan?” someone cut Kyle off from behind, and Dan froze, thinking that of course, this was just his luck. 

Of course, after all this time, this specific night was the one the universe had chosen to put _him_ on his path again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you guys think just interrupted Kyle?


	9. Update

Hi guys!

Hope everyone is alright.

I just thought I’d write a little update to let you know why I’ve been so absent lately.

I’ve been so busy with uni recently I genuinely haven’t had time to sit down and write for a while. And to be completely honest with you all, the little time I get, I’ve had to face a ginormous writer’s block which obviously hasn’t helped.

Just wanted to tell you, though, that I’m not giving up on this story! I actually wrote some words for the next chapter a few days ago, so I’m going to update the story, eventually - even if some of you may have stopped caring, which is totally understandable.

I’m still struggling to find a good rhythm between uni and leisure, especially as I’m someone who actually enjoys doing uni work and always wants everything to be perfect. But I’ll come around and find a balance at some point, and when this happens, I have tons of prompts for new stories, so I’ll throw them all your way.

Hope you’re all doing great.

Lots of love and see you soon,  
❤️


	10. chapter nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! It's here!
> 
> Please see the end of the chapter for notes, as there are a few things I wanted to say but don't want to spoil anything.
> 
> Also, so sorry it took me so long to write this. Really did my best there, and it's honestly a miracle I even managed to finish it. At least it's quite long, so I hope it makes it worth the wait.
> 
> Hope you all like the chapter! As usual, I would love to hear your thoughts - I always have a brilliant time replying to all of you.

“Oliver?” Dan startled, turning slowly to face him.

_Jesus._ That was going to be awkward. Dan still remembered breaking up with Oliver, and he remembered how upset he’d been with himself throughout the whole process. He’d given him a call the morning after _that_ night, to ask him if they could meet up later that day. He’d been so anxious about the whole thing - how was he supposed to break up with someone he wasn’t even actually dating, and what kind of explanation was he going to offer when he couldn’t say anything about the situation? He could still recall clumsily admitting he wasn’t ready to start anything serious, which had partly been true.

“It’s alright, I get it,” Oliver had soothed after Dan apologised for the fifth time. “I never really stood a chance, did I?” He’d raised a hand to prevent Dan from apologising yet again, huffing a small laugh. “I said it’s fine. I liked you, and this sucks, but honestly, it mostly sucks for you. You should probably talk to your… you know. _Friend._ ”

And of course, Dan being Dan, he’d gone and avoided doing just that. So there he was now, two years later, still stuck in the same position. He still couldn’t move on from Kyle, was actually farther away from his main objective, and Kyle still didn’t care. He shot him a look, before losing his train of thought as Oliver opened his arms to hug him.

“Dan! It’s so nice to see you!” he said, and Dan smiled before hugging him back.

“Yeah, you too!” Pulling away, Dan took a good look at him. He hadn’t changed much: a genuine, heartfelt smile was still etched onto his lips, and he still had the same look in his eyes as they met Dan’s. And Dan still didn’t care. His heart kept beating against his ribs with the same, steady rhythm, and he didn’t feel swept away by Oliver’s smell or touch or looks or anything else, for that matter. _What a shame_ , Dan thought bitterly. “What are you doing here?”

“The label sent me to represent them. You? Only had the budget for the two of you?” he asked, shooting Kyle a quick glance.

“Only had the budget for me, actually. I smuggled Kyle in ‘cause I was bored and drunk and about to ruin whatever small careers we had,” Dan giggled, still feeling incredibly tipsy.

“And since Kyle loves acting as your babysitter so much…” Oliver joked, and Dan felt Kyle tense beside him. “Just kidding. You could have texted me, though. I would have kept you company.” He shrugged, and pointed towards all the couples dancing elegantly in the middle of the huge, luxurious room. “Wanna dance?”

“I’m terrible at that. You really don’t want to see it, trust me,” he laughed loudly, earning himself another one of Kyle’s looks. Thankfully, they were the only ones still sat at their table, the other boring men having gone waltzing with their wives or networking with other people in the room.

“I could teach you,” Oliver said with a wink, and that was when Dan realised he was flirting with him.

“OH. Well…” Dan began, feeling his cheeks heat up. 

Maybe he could take Oliver up on the offer and have fun with him. He’d said he wanted to get laid. There was his opportunity. But then Dan’s eyes met Kyle’s again, and not only would it have been incredibly rude of him to leave his friend after making him come all the way from the hotel they were staying at, but Dan found he also didn’t want to go when Kyle was right there. Oliver _really_ did never stand a chance, and that was the saddest fucking part. 

“That’s alright. Maybe some other time,” he said at last, flashing him a small smile.

“Sure. You know where to find me if you change your mind. Enjoy the rest of your evening, gentlemen,” Oliver concluded, smiling back at Dan and nodding politely in Kyle’s direction.

“Arse,” he heard Kyle mutter under his breath and normally, Dan would get upset over Kyle being unnecessarily mean to Oliver, but being drunk as he was, he only giggled.

Kyle eyed him suspiciously and then assessed their surroundings. Dan watched him as he did so, because that was what their relationship was all about. Dan constantly had his eyes on Kyle, was always aware of his every movement, and Kyle always had his eyes anywhere other than Dan.

“I think… I think we should probably go dance. Look. Nobody’s sitting. It’s probably part of the charity thing,” the younger man said, eyes fixated on the dancing couples.

Dan looked around, frowning. “Yeah, well, I don’t have anyone to dance with, and neither do you, so…”

Kyle’s cheeks turned pink, and he actually looked embarrassed. “I meant, uh… I meant we should go dance together. We’re supposed to be here together anyway. Let’s just keep up the act,” he suggested, and Dan tried to ignore the flustering of his heart.

The younger man had his back to Dan now, which honestly was a relief. He didn’t want Kyle to see the thoughts racing through his inebriated brain. Mainly, Dan was lost and hurt. Although neither of them ever, _ever_ mentioned _that_ night, it had still happened. They had still kissed, and worse, _Kyle_ had still kissed Dan. And yes, granted, it might not have meant anything to Kyle. He’d returned to his girlfriend and then had fucking gone and built a life with her. They’d put an end to their open relationship and had moved in together. Still, though. You didn’t kiss people just for the hell of it. Or maybe you did - Dan just wasn’t this kind of person, and Kyle knew that. So surely, Kyle must have known how Dan felt. Asking him to dance was either incredibly cruel, or maybe Kyle had just taken pity on him. Either way, Dan hated it.

“So _you_ want us to fucking waltz together in the middle of homophobic 60 year-olds? Mate, do you have any idea what it’s like to have people spit insults in your face for, you know, being yourself? I know it won’t mean anything to you, but I don’t really fancy reliving prom a second time.”

And as soon as the words had left his lips, Dan regretted them. They were uncharacteristically sharp, and he hated the way his unresolved feelings for Kyle were slowly turning him into this bitter person he was not. Kyle looked taken aback and actually devastated by Dan’s words, and Dan suddenly really wished he could travel back in time and make himself shut the fuck up. Kyle was still his best friend, and yet Dan spent so much time resenting him for the way he made him feel - albeit unknowingly - they’d practically grown to be strangers. They barely ever spoke about anything that wasn’t music-related anymore, and Dan made up excuses to turn down every suggestion they go out Kyle made. And yet. As soon as Dan had called, Kyle had run to his rescue. It hit him, then. How much, however unfair this situation was for him, it was even worse for Kyle. Dan was making him pay for his own feelings and sure, Kyle should have never kissed him, but how could he expect Kyle to know the extent of his mistake if Dan never told him how he felt? It might have been obvious to Dan, the way he was in love with Kyle, because it felt so natural. In a world in which Kyle existed, Dan couldn’t see himself fall in love with anybody else. It was still unfair and naive of him to expect Kyle to read his mind.

“Yeah, I… Of course. I’m sorry. I just thought… Since everyone… I mean, I thought it’d be weird if we…” Kyle tried to explain, and he sounded so sad Dan had to mentally punch himself in the face. He was such a terrible person.

“No, you know what, _I_ ’m sorry I said that. You’re right. Let’s go dance. Who cares what they’ll say? And I’m such a shit dancer, that’s probably what they’re gonna be making fun of anyway,” Dan soothed, laying a hand on Kyle’s shoulder and squeezing it gently to get his attention back.

“You really don’t have…”

“Kyle? It’s okay. I promise. Give me your hand, _love_ ,” he teased, standing up and holding his hand out for Kyle to take. He smiled when Kyle intertwined his fingers with his. “Let’s show them how you fucking waltz, Dan-and-Kyle style.”

Their eyes met then, and all at once Dan realised they’d never really held hands before. They had always been close, so close that people joked about them practically being glued to each other, and Dan gladly used the excuse to push the limits of their relationship, but somehow holding hands had always felt like a leap. It was too intimate. And right now, Dan kind of hated the way his hand fitted perfectly in Kyle’s, and the way the other man’s fingers curled around his. Although, to be fair, they both looked at a loss - for a minute, Dan wondered if Kyle felt it too. The way it oddly felt like everything was falling into place. Emboldened by the strange atmosphere setting around them - and probably by the wine he’d downed, too -, Dan brushed the tip of his fingers against Kyle’s knuckles, and watched, mesmerised, as it created a line of goosebumps along   
Kyle’s forearm.

“Kyle and Dan,” Kyle blurted out, and Dan blinked.

“What?”

“Let’s show them how you fucking waltz, _Kyle-and-Dan_ style. My name would totally go first.”

Dan let out an incredulous laugh, following Kyle to the space in the room that had been cleared out in order to create a dance floor.

“You wish,” he bit back, letting the alcohol coursing through his veins take over his brain again.

People shot them a few curious glances as they broke through the small crowd but overall, it wasn’t all too bad. Which didn’t mean they wouldn’t be talking about _the guy who had the audacity to dance with another dude_ , but Dan couldn’t bring himself to care about what was being said behind his back. He allowed himself to relax as Kyle pulled him in by the hand and put his free one on Dan’s waist. Dan felt incredibly drunk all of a sudden, but he wasn’t sure whether the actual alcohol he’d swallowed was to blame.

“Kyle,” Dan laughed wildly, watching as Kyle raised their interlocked hands in the air. “Hey, Kyle, I genuinely can’t waltz, you know that, right?”

Kyle shook his head good-naturedly, squeezing Dan’s hand.

“‘Course I know, babes. You can’t even walk without falling over, you really thought I’d believe you could waltz? Just follow my lead.”

And Dan tried to, he really did. But his body awfully lacked coordination, and Kyle counting to the beat against his ear didn’t exactly help him focus. In the end, Dan felt more like he was holding on to Kyle for dear life rather than actually doing anything akin to dancing. All the swaying and spinning and, quite frankly, _Kyle being so close to him_ was making him sea-sick.

“God, you are _so_ bad at this. This lady behind you is like, ninety, and she’s still more coordinated and flexible than you are,” Kyle teased after a while of Dan stumbling over his own feet.

“Oh, believe me, my limbs _are_ flexible. Just not when I’m dancing,” Dan said before he had time to think about it, and felt instantly mortified when his own words reached his brain.

It was worth embarrassing himself just to hear Kyle burst out with laughter, although he ended up choking on it and coughing his lungs out, earning them dirty looks from the rest of the dancers. Dan probably should have taken a step back to give Kyle space to breathe, instead of which he chuckled wearily and let go of his friend’s hand to wrap both of his arms around his slim body and rest his head on his shoulder. _Oh God, Dan was going to hell._ He heard the hitch in Kyle’s breath and he considered pulling back, but suddenly, the younger man’s hand was sliding from his waist to the small of his back. And then, even more surprisingly, Kyle’s second hand settled hesitantly at the back of his head, fingers tugging gently at the shorter hair he found there. Dan honestly could have started crying, at this exact moment in time. He didn’t, though, and only let out a shaky breath as Kyle found his soft spot.

“Please don’t fall asleep in the middle of a charity event. We don’t need the bad press,” Kyle whispered after a few minutes of this.

“Then stop rubbing my hair,” he whined, smiling contentedly against Kyle’s warm skin in the crook of his neck and tightening his embrace so he wouldn’t actually take his hand out of his hair.

He felt Kyle shiver against him, and without really thinking about it, Dan pulled away just enough to be able to glance up at him. When the bearded man flickered his gaze down to lock eyes with him, Dan was surprised to notice how dark his pupils had turned. The whole room was spinning around them - which, fair enough, they were still dancing after all -, and it made Dan smile that Kyle’s face was the only thing to stay in focus. It felt like a good representation of his life. Everything around him felt like it was constantly moving so fast, too fast for Dan to catch up on it, leaving him with a blurry feeling of anxiety to deal with. Years unfolded, the world kept on becoming more fucked up, ripping him more and more off his remaining ounce of naivety, and the only thing steadying his heartbeat was Kyle’s unconditional support and unshaken love. Kyle was the one to cut through all the noise. And then, he felt it again. The wave of panic taking over him, triggered by the thought of how much he relied on Kyle. Kyle was the one people looked for backstage when Dan was having a panic attack, he was the one people sent to make sure he was fine when he holed himself up for days to work on new projects, often to such an extent that he even forgot to eat, because people knew Kyle was the only one who could handle him and his shitty mood in these moments, and the only one who could talk some sense into him.

“Dan? Dan, are you alright?” he heard Kyle call him out from a distance, but he was too caught up in losing his mind to really pay attention.

Once again, the question imposed itself upon Dan: what would he do when Kyle inevitably left him? He was going to get married to his girlfriend, and then one day the band was going to end with all of them taking their separate ways, and what would Dan do, then? He had other friends, he had Kate, he had Ian, he had his sister and nephews, but he wouldn’t have Kyle. They could probably still see each other every now and then, but it just wouldn’t be the same, and Dan knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He just _wouldn’t_.

But then, Kyle’s hands were on his cheeks, tying him up to the world again, and in this moment, it made so much sense to Dan. It made so much sense that he couldn’t comprehend how Kyle couldn’t see it. And honestly, it was fucking hilarious, at this point. It was so ridiculous it was Dan’s turn to burst out with laughter, but then laughing so hard made him feel faint and he stumbled over his own feet again, hitting his forehead against Kyle’s. The keyboardist winced, which only served as a new reason for Dan to laugh harder, and not having it in himself to move, he let his forehead rest against Kyle’s.

“You’re so pissed right now,” Kyle said with a small smile, like he couldn’t quite believe it.

“Yeah,” Dan confirmed, because he couldn’t deny it. The alcohol might not have been the main reason why he was losing it, but he was still fairly plastered.

“Come on. Let’s head back to the hotel.”

Dan nodded. “Can we walk? It’ll help me sober up.”

And so they did. Dan was huddled up to Kyle, who had his arm around his shoulders, because if he was already in so deep, he might as well have kept pushing the boundaries of their relationship, right? They walked silently through the streets of Leeds at first, those streets they both knew so well from their uni years. It was funny to Dan, the way they were both there at the same time for a bit, even worked at the same radio station, and yet never really met. He was going to say so, but then recognised the area they were in.

“Hey! I used to live there!” he exclaimed, pointing towards his old houseshare.

“Yeah, I know?” Kyle said, looking confused.

“What do you mean, you _know_?” Dan asked, coming to a stop so he could glance up at Kyle, who had stilled beside him.

For the second time this evening, Kyle’s cheeks turned a deep shade of pink. “Well, you know… That one night…”

Dan frowned. “What the fuck are you on about?”

Kyle appeared to be confused by Dan’s confusion, and they stood there for a while, the singer waiting for Kyle to clear things up. “That one night when we got drunk at the radio station? And then I walked you home, and we, um… You know?”

“Very clearly, I don’t, Kyle,” Dan countered, doing his best to keep his temper as his friend seemed to be struggling with the situation at hand.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you making me say it?” he whispered, and Dan threw his hands up in the air, letting go of Kyle’s waist.

“Because I have no bloody idea what you mean! You never say anything, I always have to guess what you’re thinking, and I’m fucking tired of having to... live like this!” Dan exploded, and he knew it was so very hypocritical of him to be blaming Kyle for something he, too, was doing. It was still easier to blame his friend.

“We kissed! I know this is where you used to live because that one night we stayed late at the radio station, I walked you back home and kissed you. I had the biggest crush on you and we kind of hit it off that one night so I kissed you, and then you suggested I spent the night, but we were both plastered and I told you to call me the next day instead, because I… I wanted to take you on a proper date, I guess. But you never called. And then when I saw you again at that party, you acted like you didn’t know who I was, so I just played along,” Kyle all but screamed back, and Dan could only gape at him.

“What? No we didn’t. Surely I would know if we…”

But then, bits and fragments of that night came back to him. Kyle coming to his rescue and offering him an excuse to not go to that party Kate had wanted him to go to. Them bonding over a bottle of alcohol found in one of the cupboards. _Killing Me Softly_. With a sinking feeling, it all fell into place inside Dan’s mind.

“It was you. The tape,” he breathed, sitting on the steps of his old house as his world started spinning again. Kyle nodded silently, and Dan had never seen him look so frightened. “Why? Why didn’t you say anything?”

It was Kyle’s turn to exhale shakily and sit next to Dan, taking him right back to the night they met - or the night they met _again_ , apparently.

“I thought you knew and were just pretending because you didn’t know how to… you know. Let me down gently, I guess. Also, you were the first guy I allowed myself to kiss and… I don’t know. It was already such a big deal for me that I kissed you because, well. It was the first time I really had to face I might not be straight. So, I dunno. I felt kind of mortified that you didn’t call me back. I thought you’d just realised you’d made a mistake. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He shrugged, fiddling with his fingers. “The tape… Well, obviously, I thought you remembered that night. We talked about _Killing Me Softly_ and you told me how much you liked it, and I’d been thinking about.. Doing something with it. For you. But then you were convinced Oliver had sent it and I kind of… gave up. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, me recording this for you, and I guess I freaked out and didn’t find the courage to tell you. I also kind of thought you were pretending to not know who had sent it to you. Which sort of hurt. And there again, I was really embarrassed. So I didn’t say anything about that either.”

Dan stayed quiet for a while, trying to wrap his head around what Kyle was saying. “What about when we kissed at Kate’s party? Why did you react the way you did? I mean, it was pretty clear I wanted you back.”

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was scared. Hannah had noticed the way I was acting around you, and she’d been threatening to tell my parentsI, um… had feelings for you. A _man_. They’re… Not very... gay friendly. But then I saw you with Oliver, and I… I just couldn’t help it. I was jealous, obviously. I had no right to be, though, and it was also dangerous for me to be. I’m sorry I left you like this. I was going to apologise, but then I thought… Let sleeping dogs lie? I was so scared of the questions you might ask. I wasn’t ready to deal with it.”

Dan couldn’t breathe. He tried, but his lungs wouldn’t let any of the air he breathed in. He couldn’t believe he’d shouted at Kyle earlier and told him he had no experience with homophobia, now. He felt terrible. “I get it. I really do. I just… Wish you would have told me sooner.”

“Would it have made any difference?”

“Of course! I’ve been in love with you for years, you absolute tool! Literally everybody knows, Kyle. You know me. I can’t control my face, and I’m shit at lying, too. How you thought I could pretend I didn’t remember us kissing is beyond me.” Dan then realised he’d just told Kyle he was in love with him through the younger man’s expression, and whatever little vehemence he’d been feeling a few minutes prior had entirely left his body. “Does this mean… You felt the same as I did, all this time?” he uttered softly, turning to face Kyle.

“Yes,” Kyle said, and he sounded out of breath, like he had just run a marathon.

Ignoring the way his heart was literally attempting to break out of his chest, Dan swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Do you still…?”

He saw how Kyle’s eyes softened, then, and the look he gave him felt so familiar. Maybe Kyle hadn’t been the only oblivious idiot. “Yes,” he stated simply.

Dan replied by lacing his fingers to his, almost tentatively. It felt weird, being so shy around Kyle. It also felt weird that they’d kept such a big thing from each other for so long. “Would it be alright if I kissed you?” he heard himself ask.

“I broke it off with Hannah before tour, if that’s what you’re asking. I couldn’t keep pretending.”

Dan did his very best to not look too relieved at that. “Actually, do you want to kiss me too is what I meant. But sure, that's good to know as well,” he said with a smile, to which Kyle rolled his eyes before leaning in and pressing his lips to Dan’s in a short, sweet kiss.

“I can’t believe you were jealous of Oliver. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s really nice and handsome, at that. But… It doesn’t really matter when you’re… _you_. He was right. He never really stood a chance,” Dan whispered against Kyle’s lips.

“Dunno. He has a fancy Australian accent. For all I know, you might be into that,” Kyle said, and them both smiling against the other’s lips made it incredibly hard to keep kissing, but Dan was willing to try anyway.

“Nah,” he replied, kissing the corner of Kyle’s lips. “My type is tall, bearded guys with a strong Cockney accent.”

“Ah, yeah. That really narrows it down,” Kyle laughed.

And then they were kissing again, properly kissing this time. From then on, Dan decided he wanted this to be what he remembered as their first kiss. Not the actual first one he didn’t even fully remember, or the second one he’d felt sick to his stomach about for weeks, but this one. The one that felt like the first of many, many kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all doing well, and also that you enjoyed reading this.
> 
> I always intended for the first part of this fic to be around 10-chapter long, so I'm very glad I managed to do that. Initially, though, I wanted to write a second part of roughly 10 chapters as well, but I'm thinking this might be a good place to end it. Especially as I have other fics I really want to write, and a really big WWCOMMS series I really wanted to start working on!
> 
> But also, who knows. I might write a second part at some point, or maybe just a oneshot based in this universe. I'm keeping my options open.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's commented on this work, I'm so incredibly grateful for you guys. Thank you to written_you_down (don't know how to actually tag people on here, I'm so fucking shit at technology, so here's to hoping she sees this) especially, who's been an absolute gem and so amazingly supportive.
> 
> Loads of love to you lot! See you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! X


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